The Zimmermann's have been living in "survival mode" for the last two years. Pretty much since we got Faith. And what that means to me, is a lack of living intentionally. There is so much going on in our home that there doesn't feel like there's energy to snap out of it. There are things that we always want to do but can't quite muster up the time or energy to get to it.
And, just when it feels as if the chaos will settle, a big event happens that puts us back into "survival mode". Energy put into figuring out how to live with a child who has autism. Emotional energy sucked dry with the waves of grief over a dying parent.
Meanwhile, the clock is ticking. Caleb is going to be 13 at the end of next month, David is 8, Bethany has many needs, and Faith has lots of screams. There's a marriage that needs time, a budget, a spiritual life, a middle aged body that ..well...we won't go there....hearts that need pointing to the cross..and on and on the list goes.
And I wonder...maybe this is it. Maybe this is just the way life is going to be and next year...it could be a wave of another major event..and what is God calling me to? What am I supposed to put my time and energy into? How can I become more like Jesus amidst all the pressures, the people, and the things pulling at me? And am I making it too difficult?
My way out of a jam is to make a list. So, I emailed that to my DH today. I'm not big on new year's resolutions..but maybe it's a time to re-evaluate where we're headed. I am tired of being on the tobaggen out of control. I want to have some sort of a map, a plan. And even if we end up in different destinations than what we expected...that the map shows us what needs to stay constant.
19 comments:
Amen, sister!
So many times I've said to Richard, "I just need a plan. Even if we don't stick to it, at least we both understand the goal."
I will pray for your survival mode.
For me, when I start to feel the way you are describing, it's basically time to start saying NO to people and activities--something that is very hard for me.
I'm sorry you are feeling this way.
Do you need a baby sitter so you can have a date night? I'm happy to oblige...but I'll have to insist on bringing my boyfriend. (We won't make out on the couch til the kids are asleep. Don't worry.)
So. There. With. You.
Carla, I don't want you there when I'm making out with my boyfriend...That's weird.
I'll also babysit for you, too, you know. : )
Erin's funny. I hear you Coffeegirl. Life gets in the way of life sometimes. Does that make sense? You said it much better than I.
K...Yes...it makes total sense.
Erin..as long as my kiddos are sleeping....go for it. You make me laugh. Thanks for the offer.
I've heard of people having retreats...where they take a half a day and pray and journal..and kind of refocus themselves...hmmm...might be time well spent sometime in Jan.
Man, this post hits dead on with where I am at right now! I find myself increasingly flopping between being angry or depressed - in most part because I feel as though I am running so fast to some place but I've lost track of the goal. I actually know the goal but I've lost the desire to keep doing the next thing. Life planning helps defeat this!
I once heard a pastor speak about the idea of reverse engineering your life. It is thinking out at different time frames where you want to be and then engineering (planning) backwards how you will get there. It has the appearance of self help and standard goal setting but I think it is more powerful (and biblical - I should write my own post on that.)
Thanks Sheri!
If you put a haybale on that toboggan at least you could see where you were headed...
Pat..looking forward to that post...you can always write long responses on my blog..it's all good
K...I'll be looking for my haybale..forget that I'm allergic to them.
My first thing is always to make a list too... I'm with you.
www.maxgrace.com just put a post out that hit some kind of nail on the head for me when it comes to trying to knock off everything on the list of VERY good things we all expect of ourselves, and sometimes one another. There's a link on my site if you want to check him out. Bill is a wise CA pastor who LOVES Jesus, and preaches solid, grace-filled Truth.
For a minute there, I thought you typed "Nap" instead of "Map"...I was right there with ya! Ha!
But, as it turns out, I'm right there with you anyhow!! :)
We list-makers have now (at least in my head) have been crowned The List-ers. Like sisters, with lists...get it??
Man, must be time for bed...
Have you thought about coming over to our house to de-compress? We're pretty sure that's the reason God gave us this house...
I'm serious about this. Ask around.
Thanks for sharing. I feel very similar. For some strange reason there is comfort in knowing I am not alone. Do you think the timing has to do with those "year in review" Christmas letters?
Sheri, I read your post this morning, and though the specifics are different, the laments are near identical to what I was sharing with a friend yesterday. I'm still looking for the balance and the focus myself.
I heard someone say once that "there is always enough time to accomplish what GOD wants us to accomplish in a day." I must be trying to do a lot that God hasn't intended for me each day then.
Others say this is just a busy season in life. I don't buy that completely, though.
Let me know if you come up with any answers.
I really like your blog. My spirit resonates with yours in so much of what you say. As I read, I'm often thinking, "yes, that's me!"
I'm an ESFJ--are you as well?
And would somebody please take Erin up on her offer to babysit before I do! :)
Can I just say "Ditto"- to everything!? And add one OH MY GOODNESS, my husband invited 22 people to our house for Christmas-
Stess??!! What stress? Happy Christmas. Merry Christmas. Joy- Joy-Joy! We'll all survive somehow. LD
Erin...KJ needs you.
I was thinking today that I need to call the big guns in on this one...namely..my parents. My mom has been preaching to me (in a good way) that she regrets being so busy with so many outside things when her children were small. She leads a young mom's Bible study and she is telling those moms to say "no" more. To focus on reading the Word, prayer, husband, children, home, ourselves.. and everything else is under that. When we overextend ourselves the top priorities suffer (namely our families).
That's not the biggest part of my lament. I am busy at home. Maybe it boils down to one thing....How can I live my life in a way that honors God? If I am doing that..then, peace, joy, all of that will follow. Yet, there are seasons in our lives that are more difficult than others. I almost have that feeling of discontent..wanting to do something radical for the kingdom to shake my fogginess away.
Then the next thought is...what does radical look like? Maybe radical is giving God everything all day long....the dishes, the screaming, the cries out to Him when I feel like screaming...and maybe it's baby steps of obedience that leads ultimately to joy and peace.
My parents are pretty simple people. They have both endured very difficult cicumstances....more on that later..and they would say...reading God's word and prayer are their lifelines. Crying out to God and doing the next thing.
It's good to chew on all of this together. In our culture, we are more isolated than our parents were. Kids played outside, moms chatted in the back yards..and now we're all spread out. So...blogland neighborhood...thanks for chatting.
Swampy..thanks for the invite....I believe you.
KJ..forgot to answer you. ISFJ
Wow--what a good thread of discussion on a very relevant topic! Sheri, you and Randy have had a LOT happen in your lives these past few years. Little wonder that you a feeling weary and maybe even disillusioned. Even though B and I haven't had as much major trauma, we've still felt the weight of all those commitments, all those activities, and how they seem to pull us away from the things that matter most--namely, each other. We have been working hard to try to "start over" by listing our top priorities (we only have 3) and resolving to make time for these things first and foremost. If there is no more time left, then other things are just not possible. There are so many good things out there to do and be involved in, but more and more our hearts are crying out to just focus on seeking the Lord, spending time with each other and our kids, and fellowshiping and ministering to a SMALL group of believers--namely, our cell group. Perhaps some day we'll be able to do more, but if not, oh well. That's where we're at on this whole thing.
May the Lord who "gently leads those who have young" give you and Randy tender wisdom as you process this issue and strive to live intentionally! Bless you, sweet sistah!
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