Wednesday, January 30, 2008

I'm alive....

Hey, thanks for missing me, Katie, Laura. I'm here. Just juggling a lot right now. I miss my blog friends! I'm behind on everyone, but haven't forgotten where I came from. I'll be back. A few details....

Working hard to make lists, schedules, for kids, to help our home run smoother, trying to ramp up Bethany's autism therapy at home, the biggest Latte event of the year on Saturday, Caleb turns 13 tomorrow, and flying out Sun. a.m. for my husband's 25 year reunion at Moody. Yes, you read that right. I married an older man. I'm the younger woman..forever. LOL

And, honestly, it's taken me a couple of weeks to recover from my dad's sermon. I got stuck after part 2. It was too painful to write anymore. Usually writing is therapeutic for me, but not this time.

My dad's numbers are down and he's going for a bone marrow test tomorrow to see how far the cancer has progressed. Working through anxiety and fears and crying out to God for peace as I learn to trust that He's in control.

When people email me, I'm responding in sound bites, short phrases. I kind of just feel like I don't have time. You can probably tell by this post.

I'll be back, I'm trying to take it all to God, do the next thing, and trust.

So, when the cloud lifts, the details of life settle down, I will be back. I miss you guys.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Davester gets sick....

I've got writer's block.

Not really, I'm just tired. The Davester is on day 11 of a chest cold. He has asthma and when he gets a cold, it is a pretty nasty deal. He sat and read all morning. In the afternoon, he quietly played legos for hours. At 4 p.m. he came bounding up the stairs, wanting, begging to go outside to meet Caleb because he missed him so much. At dinner time, I found myself saying, "David, inside voice." After dinner when he was trying to focus on his homework, but kept interrupting himself with another song, I threatened to send him downstairs to his room to finish his math.

Davester is going back to school tomorrow. Then, maybe, I'll have something to blog about.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Dad Preaching, Part 2

There's a church on State Street in a small rural town with a billboard that says, "Our Journey". In that church is a congregation of about 450 people who love and adore their pastor of 20 years. They long to see him and hear him after 4 months and 10 days of fighting his new found diagnosis of leukemia. They wonder if he'll ever be back.

On Sunday, Jan. 13 at 8 a.m., this man returns. A might smaller, a lot weaker. But you don't notice those things once he takes the stage. He doesn't run and jump up the three steps to the podium as he once did, instead he walks with confidence and brightness. As he stands behind his new, shiny, clear, plastic podium, you get a glimpse of his diseased body. But once you look into his shiny blue eyes, you see the man you love and have trusted with your spiritual walk for the last 20 years. The glimmer of hope and faith shine brighter with each word that comes out of his mouth.

He's back. And it is this small congregation's own, personal miracle. They hang on to every word, babies aren't taken out, because nobody wants to miss anything. It is a family reunion like no other. As he stands next to the podium, with one hand resting on his Bible, he starts to share his journey with his family.

In the second row sits his wife of almost 50 years, his daughter and his oldest son. Behind and all around them are the people who have labored in prayer with believing faith that their pastor would return. These are the people who have carried them and set them before the throne many times throughout the day and night. And for the next forty minutes, the world stops around them as they listen to the words of a dying man. Their man. Their husband. Their daddy. They cry and grieve and find renewed faith and hope that only God could place in their hearts.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Dad preaching, Part 1

Thank you to all who have been asking about the weekend. Thought I'd just start blogging, in segments, so I can answer everyone at once. My mind is swirling with so I thought I'd just do it in chunks at a time.

We headed down to my parents home, Friday night about 6 p.m. God spared our whole family from a very tragic accident. It was the strangest weather pattern. It was lightly snowing when we left, and increased as we headed south. All of a sudden, the roads were terrible. We were in the left lane, the roads were covered in black ice, people seemed to be driving either too slow or too fast. While in the left lane, I saw a SUV coming from the opposite side of the freeway headed towards our car. I gripped the handle on my door and cried out, "Jesus!".

My husband is very calm in a crisis, thankfully. He just slowly started to vere to the right lane. Looking back, that wouldn't have even saved us. Here's what happened..

The SUV was from the other side of the freeway, headed north. They lost control, hit the ditch, headed (west) right for us on the freeway. It was going very fast, and then it hit a huge wire fence. We were so close, we heard the crunch. If the fence wouldn't have been there, Randy said it would've hit us right where he and Faith were, going however fast it was going. We looked back in our rearview mirror, we couldn't stop, but there were lots of cars on the other side of the road going in the ditch. I think I shook for about 30 minutes after that. It was so close. And, as we drove south, we didn't see any other fences. Why was that fence right there, at that exact spot? (We think that they were okay because they didn't roll, hopefully their air bags were working.)

Then, about five miles down the road, the snow stopped, and gradually, the roads were perfect. So, we thought that the drivers weren't prepared for what they were headed into. Perfect weather, a little snow, and then icy road conditions and nobody expected that to happen out of nowhere. the church service on Sunday, the congregation sang the song, "Blessed be the Name of the Lord". I have a hard time singing the part, "he gives and takes away...". I actually don't sing that part. I believe it, I trust God, but I just can't sing it. I always close my eyes and just pray. On Sunday, when it came to that part, my eyes were closed and I saw the near accident again in my head. This thought came to my mind, "It wasn't your time. I didn't want the accident to happen. I'm in control of it all." And I had this sense of a loving Father watching over me, allowing cancer, allowing my Gracie to only live an hour, allowing my family to be at the church to hear my dad preach. It all comes from Him. He is good, He is faithful no matter what happens. Through the good and the bad. It was such a freeing moment. A moment to remind me to rest in His sovereignty, and to know He is there for all of it. He loves us. He really does. Nothing happens to me outside of His plan. And, deep within, the healing of my dad's cancer grows just a little bit more.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Fear and Anxiety...

Now that I'm out of the closet....(comments on last post)..thought I'd share a little of what God showed me last night after my last post. I am reading Ed Welch's book, "Running Scared". Before I went to bed, I read a few pages.....just a few, but it was all I needed. I won't explain it like Ed, he's a master communicator. I'll do my best to write what I heard.

The topic is Grace....

"The story of manna is a story that points to "more". More than you imagine. More in a way that will surprise you. Our Father is the God of more grace." (pg. 142)

He goes on to describe what grace is. When I fear something, I am really saying that God isn't going to give me enough grace to get through it. One of my fears is that I'll have another allergic reaction, need an epipen and be home alone with Faith. God doesn't promise that I won't need an epipen again, but he does promise to give me exactly what I need (and what Faith needs) if that should happen again.

I've always wondered what bugs me about when people pray for healing for a loved one, God heals, and then they proclaim that God is so good. Yes..he is..yes..he is to be praised, but what if that loved one dies? Are we still so quick to praise him and say that he is good?

Ed goes on to ask the reader if they're worried about the future (Um...that's a big yes...)...I'll just quote the man....

"You will be given all the grace you need when you need it."

"What form might that grace take? Be careful here. When we try to imagine grace in some future situations, we might still be resting in ourselves. We want specific confirmation that there will be grace, and we want to calm ourselves not by trusting in the Gracious One but in seeing the future. If I am called to drown, I don't know what grace I will receive. Having never had it, I can't imagine it, and since God gives much more than we ask my prediction no doubt would fall far short. It is enough to know that I WILL receive grace. I will know the presence of the Spirit and I will die, or be rescued, in a way that pleases the Lord." (pg. 145)'s about His kingdom, not mine. And, I have experienced his grace before, but like the Israelites, I forget.

I'd like to quote the infamous Kristin Woodford in closing, "We're all a bunch of dumb sheep."

She's right...we forget.....but God's grace covers us.

Thanks for hanging with me on's a constant struggle and I want to grow and learn and not get stuck and settle for the fear or anxiety. I want to push through it, and come out the other side with a deeper trust, a deeper faith and a deeper love for the One who sustains us.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Back to preaching....

So my dad is preaching this Sunday...and we're heading down. I'm a little nervous, just because I've been a blogging fool...(I am just being sarcastic)..and have put my heart out there on the church website for my dad's church. It was fine when I was on this side of the the introvert meets the church. Kind of like that movie, "Meet the Parents"'s "Meet the Church" time.

Maybe I could wear a wig, strange clothes and sit in the corner. With a box of Puffs on my lap...I might give myself away.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

January Blues

Seems like everyone I meet has them, or feels tired, kind of blah. I feel like if I open my mouth and say anything, you might as well say, "Blah, blah, blah" right after it. The only way I know to get rid of my whining is to have a thankful heart. So, here's my first attempt.

I'm thankful for....
a garage that my children can throw their winter garb on floor
an entry way where sand collects daily
children who have voices and can freely express their emotions
a school that is teaching my children the discipline of homework
an age where I personally, can feel every emotion known to the human existance
baggy shirts that are now in style
people who care about the details of my life
responsibilities because without them, that would mean I was alone

There..done whining.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Blog, Schmog.....

Ever feel like you've got so much that you want to write about that you just freeze up? That's me.

I'll choose one thing......

Today, after wrestling my two toddlers to Target in the cold, an emergency trip to the bathroom in the middle of our shopping...we finally get through the check out..ready to go. Can't find Bethany's hat. I spent way too much money on her hat because of her sensory issues. She picked one out that had "fuzzy balls" on it. We walked all the way to the customer service desk..they were, they didn't have the hat. I had my two in tow, (that's almost poetic), and was headed back into Target to retrace all of our steps (yes, it was noon...lunch time....) and what do I hear?

An elderly lady, bundled up from the cold, waving a hat in the air, "Hat! Is this anybody's hat?" I never thought I'd be so happy to see puffy balls being waved in the air! I ran up to her, gave her a hug and told her she was my special angel today. She said she found it in the parking lot, and was going to walk it to the service desk. She then proceeded to talk to my girls and tell me that she's a great grandma and just made a bunch of similar hats for all her grandchildren.

Thank you, thank you, dear angel in Target. Thank you for making an extra trip, in the cold, for a stranger.

Sometimes it's the "little things" that are encouraging.