Wednesday, December 31, 2008

I probably shouldn't be blogging right now....

Why? My dark mood. Feeling like I'm in a slump and want to do something COMPLETELY different with my life. No, I'm not talking about not keeping my commitments or striving to be the wife, mom, that God wants me to be. you ever just want to change something and you're not sure what? Curtains aren't enough....I'm talking something major. Like that thing way deep down inside that screams for change? What probably needs to happen is a new resolved to work out, change my diet, read my Bible more faithfully, buck up and keep working with my girl who needs And honestly..if I read one more facebook entry about people watching movies all day, or sitting by the window watching the snow fall while they quietly sip their coffee and read a book......

Yeah...probably shouldn't be blogging right now. The dark side exposed.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Christmas Day 2008

Today..I felt like a Martha. I cooked, cleaned, took care of small and big people all in the spirit of trying to create a great day for everyone. Martha is tired. Tomorrow, I hope to be Mary. I hope to soak in the people that God has placed in my life and I long to enjoy them. them to be enjoyable.......cease the fussing, whining, screaming, and sassing. Or bring a nanny. Either one will do. Good night, everyone.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

More on faith...

Conversations with my husband have proven life changing over the past 17 years. We had such a conversation this past week. We were discussing the idea of "safety". I grew up thinking that God would always protect me from harm. I must've twisted this in my head as a child that if I was obedient, did the right things, that God would watch over me and keep me safe. I said something harsh with emotion ....."God doesn't keep me safe. He promises to be with me, but he doesn't promise to keep our children from being abducted, or disease infesting us or even rape....evil happens all around us."

His wise response went something like this....."I wonder what our lives would look like if we saw all the evil that God constantly holds back. I wonder if we would then realize how safe we really are."

Another stone to add to my pile of bricks that are building up my weak and feeble faith. Slowly, one by one, God is putting them in place. My prayer is at the end of my life, God will call me faithful, not because of anything that I can muster up, but because He has made something beautiful in me to present to King Jesus. I know that in my own strength, I would have empty hands.

Thursday, December 18, 2008


I bought this Vinyl lettering today at JoAnn's.....I'm going to put it somewhere in our family room. the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light.

I like this because I'm tired of all the old sayings..I won't quote them because my luck, they're probably in scripture. One way that I've been making peace with my dad's cancer is to realize that we live in a world that's broken. What if I taught that to my children? The reason we need Jesus is because everything is broken. Chris Tomlin's song comes to my mind..."He wraps Himself in light, and darkness tries to hide...".

We aren't promised life without disease, or autism or anencephaly. We are promised to have troubles. But, we can take hope in the fact that Jesus came to overcome this. He is the light. All hope then, is in Him. He promises to never leave us. To always be with us It doesn't matter if I feel it or not. I can still believe this with my whole heart. Little by little my heart is warming up again to this truth.

It's such a process.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Nine Months...

Tomorrow wil mark nine months since my dad died. March 16th marked his first day in eternity. It's not for him that I'm sad. It's me. It's my family. My sister-in-laws, my husband, my neices and nephews..and my children. All the people that he touched. Nine months. God makes new life in nine months. It somehow feels ironic.