My dad has cancer. I've had a little reprieve from the reality of it. But now, it's late, I can't sleep from this dumb cold, and I'm feeling a little bit guilty for being silly with my blog. In my family, we often use humor to deal with our life circumstances. It is a short, brief vacation from the strong emotions whirling within. I just took the last half hour and reread all the posts that I wrote on the FCC's forum, updating everyone of my dad's 3.5 week journey of finding out about his leukemia. I'm having one of those moments of...I cannot believe that this is happening.
You hear this all the time..."I never thought this would happen to us." I really didn't. I thought for sure his crohn's would finally kick in high gear somewhere in his 80's. When I tell people (who don't know my dad)that he has leukemia, they ask how old he is. When I say 68, they almost react with a sigh and a resigned, "That's too bad" attitude and it follows with, "He's lived a long life". Nobody says the second part, but I am hearing it in their attitude. And I want to scream..."He's not an old man! He's my dad!" It is way too soon.
When Grace (our daughter) died, afterwards, I kept thinking and crying out to God, "I don't know how to do this." I didn't know how to grieve. I am such a list person..and grief doesn't follow any kind of pattern. You cannot predict when it will peak or what will set it off. I don't feel that way right now. It's more like..."I don't want to do this." I know, I know. My dad is still alive and I will enjoy him as much as God allows me to be with him. But...the thought keeps running in my head...I will never again say the word "Dad" to any man. He is the only one that I will ever call Dad. And, I don't want to do this.
I may read this blog in the morning and have bloggers regret. But for now...here's what I know. I know God is good all the time. I know that His love is bigger than my pain. I know that He will carry us through every peak and valley. Right now, at this very moment...it just stinks. (I changed that last word for you, mom....toned it down a little.) Rhymes with trucks...starts with an S people....
There I go again....
I love you, Dad.
10 comments:
Oh, darlin'. Let me say it for you. This sucks. Big time. Even though we know in our heads that this is part of life, we can never be prepared for the heartache when it happens. I truly thank the Lord that you know to lean on Him. I'm so sorry. I'll pray that you get restful sleep. And, by the way, you rock!
Love getting in your head, sweet pea! You are loved and prayed for and yes this does suck! A lot!
You're right. "Dad" will be reserved for this wonderful man that you've known your entire life. No one else. And that's a really special thing.
It does stink. A lot. And it won't NOT stink for a long time.
The time that you've got with him now is such a gift. Yes, a gift tinged with sadness, but a gift. Get him to tell you stories. He must be an excellent story teller. Write them down for yourself and your children. Christmases when you were little, things he did with your mom. Memories last a long time, especially when you've written them down.
Can't wait to hear more about him. Must've been a wonderful man to have had a hand in raising you.
You're not silly with your blog. You're processing...and I consider it a privilege to be a part of it.
Thanks for sharing your heart with us, my friend. Many of us are grieving along with you. This does absolutely suck.
Mikkena is wondering why I have tears on my face. I am sorry your Dad is sick. I will be praying for you and your family. I am looking forward to reading about your Dad.
I'm glad you are blogging. I think you'll be fun to read. I'm sorry about your dad. I think Kelli had a good idea to get all the memories you can from your dad and be able to share them with your kiddos. I'll be praying for you, your family and your dad.
Sheri,
I am sorry about your Dad...It makes me sad just to write the word.(dad)
I am so proud of you. You are now official...I am still not there yet. I like the idea of getting all the stuff out of the head and on to the screen...I can picture the "stuff" at the cross now.
I have always admired and respected how REAL you are. What a great way to share REAL stuff...Again I am asking myself...How does she do it?
Sheri... I'm so sorry, girl. Do you know the old hymn, 'Be Still My Soul'? Your soul is already so 'still' in Him, your trust in Him so beautiful... I don't want this to seem trite/preachy. But this hymn has been a lullaby to me each night for 2+ months now; I wonder if He would sing it sweet over you as well - here's the last verse:
"Be still my soul; the hour is hastening on when we shall be forever with the Lord. When disappointment, grief and fear are gone, sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored. Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past, all safe and blessed we shall meet at last."
I know we're not at that part yet - this is the stinky 'time to weep' part. Please know that we stand by you in your grieving... and are inspired too by your tough and honest hoping.
Vondaful. Your turn to start a blog. You already have the profile, now it's easy!
I'm so sorry about your dad.
He's only a little older than my dad. And you're right--NOT OLD.
I wish there was something I could do.
I'll be praying for you.
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