Thankful

I met an old friend in the grocery store yesterday. It had been three years since we have talked. She thought I moved to Florida. Nope. Still here. She wondered if we ever found out about our daughter, did she have autism? Yes, she has autism. And what else is new? My dad got cancer and he's gone. It's been two years already. She is a nurse and works with acute leukemia patients. She was astonished that we had seven months. She said those patients can have as little as two weeks. We're going to get together in the fall for lunch, when all of my children will be in school all day.

As I look back at that conversation, I'm astonished, really. Wow. When did all of that happen? When did our lives change with special needs and a diagnosis that would bring my dad home? Two years later, it's still surreal. I hear his voice and I can feel his hugs. Life just keeps rolling along.

And I find myself so thankful that we had the seven months, that babygirl is progressing so well in her disability and through it all, I have a God who promises to never leave. And the bonus, is a husband who is committed 110% to be what God wants him to be, and constantly gives me the love and encouragement that I need. I see him now reaching out to his own family and my heart is full.

Through the good times and bad, his love is constant, and so is my Abba Father's. So thankful.

What do I want to be known for?

I just finished reading the obituaries. I cried at a letter written from a grown son to his deceased mother. He told her how hard life was without her but he had a new friend who was helping him, Jesus Christ. I read about two people who died suddenly in their 50's. Another woman, 78, died peacefully in her sleep. Others, died peacefully or died courageously in their battle of cancer, alzheimer's, parkinsons. And I can't help wondering, what will my last breath look like? Will I die courageously? Will I die in my sleep? Will I die suddenly at fifty years old? I hope I just die in my sleep.

And then, there's the description. Preceeded in death by...a spouse, a parent, and God-forbid, a child. After that, there are two or three sentences about who they were. Loved to read, avid outdoorsman, special ed. teacher...and I wonder. What will my two sentences be? What will I be known for? What do I want to be known for? What really matters?

She quilted, she scrapbooked, she loved facebook, she loved to organize, she struggled to stay positive with her special needs daughters....so far, here's what I've got.

Preceeded in death by her daughter, Grace, her beloved father. God knows the rest of the story. It's up to me to fill in the blanks with the best I can, living out His calling in the middle of the daily routines. And hoping beyond hope that the littlest mundane activity adds up to kingdom value. That wiping away the tears that come so easily on our daughters cheeks, speaking calmly when I really want to scream, taking a breath to calm myself before I attempt to calm the anxious hearted...all matters.

I know it might seem a little bit odd reading the obituaries in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon, but hey, that's where life is lived, where our last breaths will be breathed...in the middle of an ordinary day. And, if we know Jesus...that day, that moment won't be ordinary at all. It will be the beginning of the best homecoming party ever thrown. It's all pretty short in comparison. Now, back to the dailyness of laundry.

Living Intentionally...

The Zimmermann's have been living in "survival mode" for the last two years. Pretty much since we got Faith. And what that means to me, is a lack of living intentionally. There is so much going on in our home that there doesn't feel like there's energy to snap out of it. There are things that we always want to do but can't quite muster up the time or energy to get to it.

And, just when it feels as if the chaos will settle, a big event happens that puts us back into "survival mode". Energy put into figuring out how to live with a child who has autism. Emotional energy sucked dry with the waves of grief over a dying parent.

Meanwhile, the clock is ticking. Caleb is going to be 13 at the end of next month, David is 8, Bethany has many needs, and Faith has lots of screams. There's a marriage that needs time, a budget, a spiritual life, a middle aged body that ..well...we won't go there....hearts that need pointing to the cross..and on and on the list goes.

And I wonder...maybe this is it. Maybe this is just the way life is going to be and next year...it could be a wave of another major event..and what is God calling me to? What am I supposed to put my time and energy into? How can I become more like Jesus amidst all the pressures, the people, and the things pulling at me? And am I making it too difficult?

My way out of a jam is to make a list. So, I emailed that to my DH today. I'm not big on new year's resolutions..but maybe it's a time to re-evaluate where we're headed. I am tired of being on the tobaggen out of control. I want to have some sort of a map, a plan. And even if we end up in different destinations than what we expected...that the map shows us what needs to stay constant.

Crazy...

Our two year old locked us out of the house today. She likes to fiddle with the button on the handle.....we were keyless, everyone loaded in the truck and I went back in to get my keys..nope..can't get in. The ever ready to help boys were getting the ladder out to try the windows on the house..in the rain...when suddenly Mama remembered that the neighbor has a house key and she was home. Went to meet Beth, who took the girls (one screaming the whole time I'm wrestling two car seats into her van).....by this time, Mama needed coffee. Went to dig money out of my purse...where is my purse? Back in the garage...at home. Trailed all the way back home. Got the purse. Still need coffee. Headed to Hastings to Dunn Brothers. "Mom! I've gotta poop!" Younger son does his thing. Older business man follows younger son into the bathroom, apparently the toilet is clogged and overflowing from younger son. Great...there is only one bathroom and now Mama has to poop! Quick....get the boys in the car...try the door on the ice-cream shop next to Dunn Brothers...it's locked. Nice lady opens the locked door and asks if there was anything that I needed. Yep! Could use a bathroom because the other one in Dunn Brothers is running over (didn't tell her why). Kind lady lets Mama into the candy shop to do her thing. (too much information, right?). On our way to Rochester at last! Arrive at the hospital, take the elevator down to the subway level...where's my phone? Thankfully, not in Dunn Brothers. Back to the truck, get the phone. Maybe I shouldn't have left the house today.