In Between..

I'm somewhere between affliction and joy. Just read a great chapter in Piper's book, "Suffering and the Sovereignty of God". It's a collection of chapters from several authors. Not sure who I just read, but it was from a man who lost his baby son to premature death. He said sometimes when we are in pain, we don't feel the presence of God. And that doesn't mean that He's not there. When we're in between the suffering and the joy that comes after long nights of weeping, we often don't feel God's presence. He quoted Psalms 88, perhaps one of the saddest Psalms that has been written. And it doesn't end in hope. It ends in laments. He also said that in this culture, after about a week, we expect the mourner to get back to life as usual. As westerners, we are uncomfortable with grief, and we want to quickly fix it, or hide it from others. And when we see others grieve, we want to quickly assure them of the hope that they have in God for fear that they have forgotten.

It is normal to not feel God's presence when we are in the thick of grief. It is normal to not feel like praying and when you read the Bible, it often seems dormant. The pain is too great at times. But be assured, God is in the dark pit with us. His promises are true, even if it feels like He has left the building.

That's what it feels like. My heart is heavy and burdened and it took all the strength that I could muster (and with God's help) to just give the welcome last night at Latte. I didn't want to be there, didn't want to be around people and pretend that I was fine. So, I wore my dad's favorite color, yellow, with hope that it would help. In the end, it was just a shirt. God went before me, loved me through many sisters in Christ and I made it.

I was encouraged by the chapter I read tonight. And if I can think about it in spiritual terms, God put that chapter in my hands right when I needed it. My head knows He's here, and soon, my hope is, my heart will as well.

Old Birthday Card

I'm up past sleeping and started thumbing through old birthday cards from my parents. Usually, my mom was the one to write the long note in my cards. This one, my dad must've picked out, because it was his black pen that underlined tons of words ( in italics below), and he had the most to say. It's one to remember. Dads out there....here's a great way to express your love to your daughters.

First, the card.

How do you tell a wonderful daughter
just how much
she means to you
when there are no words to describe
the gift of precious memories
she's given you since the moment she came into your life....

How can you tell her
all the ways she's made
a difference in your world
when nothing can truly measure
the happiness and pride you've felt
watching her face "life's challenges"
and shape her fondest dreams.....

How can you tell a wonderful daughter
all the feelings your heart holds
for her and her alone -
Daughter, you are so very loved
and wished a world of happiness, always.

Next..his message to me.

What more could we say - we are blessed beyond words - God has blessed Mom and I with your - your love- your loyalty - your prayers - always keep on keeping on for Jesus - Never give up - Never give in - Keep moving forward.
Love as always, Dad oooxxx
Proverbs 3:5-6

P.S. You are and always will be "Daddy's little girl!"


I think my favorite part right now is the last part. Never give up, never give in, keep moving forward. I'm tempted to get stuck right now. Bogged down, and down right stuck. I feel like I'm in the middle of a novel, I've just finished a very difficult chapter, and I'm not ready to turn the page. I'm a little fearful what the author might have in store in the next chapter. To be honest. Maybe I'm not stuck. Maybe I'm just soaking in, processing the first half of the novel. I don't want to be held by the fear though. I want to trust the author and that even though bad things happen, He's still good. He sees us and He loves us, even when the last chapter totally took the wind, heart and soul of the reader and whipped it up into a frenzy.

Like I said, I'm up too late.

Hey, and the card..it wasn't even a Hallmark.

Richard Theis Reynertson, a.k.a. Dad....

Dad and I sharing our favorite cheese for the last time. Smoked swiss. The expensive kind. We'd take turns surprising one another with it. Caleb loves it, and I told him the other day, the baton has been passed. It's our favorite cheese now, too, along with Bapa.

I miss him so much as the reality seeps in, it is almost too much to take in.

Almost ready..

I think I'm almost ready to start blogging again. I can tell because I have that funny dialogue thing going in my head again. And then there's the serious, sobering thoughts about life. I'm glad that God doesn't just stick the sobering things in my head without the funny ones. Anyway...blogging again soon. Miss you all and want to catch up on my blogging buddies. It's coming...maybe along with spring...read about Vonda chasing it down with a stick! That is funny...and brought me much joy.

Soon....

Influenza...

Yep...Dad tested positive. He has 103 fever, is at home with my mom. They are contemplating taking him to Rochester in the a.m. Please pray them through the night. His cough is really nasty as well. Also, strength and protection for my mom, that she doesn't get this. And that God gives her peace in the late night, caring for my Dad.

Time...

This is one of those days where time stands still for a little while. Much like when you're at a funeral, and the bustling of life just stops. You sit and you ponder what that person meant to you, what he meant to others and you think about your own life. And you think about the changes you want to make, because you know that one day, it will be you in that rectangular box. One day, all the stuff you tried to maintain will be divided off or sold. The stuff doesn't matter.

Your mind goes to the people that you love the most. You think about your children, and you pray that they will "get it". That they will be "alive" with Jesus. The one thing that matters the most is that they will walk with him daily and love him with their whole heart.

My dad came home last night from the hospital only to wake up with another fever. They think he got sick in the hospital. I guess their little town was hit with a nasty wave of influenza. The fear inside of me is being poured out at Jesus' feet for my dad. The prayers of healing, peace and comfort are constant as well as the tears that seem to follow.

I look like a train wreck. Felt heavy all day yesterday and really didn't function well beyond taking care of the necessities. I've been praying that God would do something to encourage my parents and to show himself to us in a very real way. Whenever I've been near hopelessness, God has always done something to encourage me.

He did it today. He sent it in a form of a letter to my parents, from an unbeliever in CA. This woman's parents were cared for by my dad and just a few months ago, my dad spoke at her mother's funeral, despite his own cancer and weakness. This meant so much to this woman, she wrote a two page letter of appreciation and sent a huge check. The check is in the exact amount that they will need for thier future medical expenses.

It arrived today. A day that has been filled with pain, grief, and discouragement. In my mailbox, there was card for my boys from a dear friend who is going through his own difficulties. It touched my heart so much, it felt like a personal hug from God.

Pain is inevitable in this life. This roller coaster of cancer sucks. I want to jump off of it, and take my parents with me. But, that's not God's plan. At least, not at the moment. So, for now, all He promises is to be with us on the ride. And it really is a choice of trust and belief.

Tables were turned this morning, and I prayed with my Dad over the phone for peace, healing and comfort. He has done this for me many, many times over my lifetime. And now, God has given me the honor to pray for this dear sweet saint. In my prayer, I told God that we were going to continue to trust. Through the pain, through the ups and downs...sometimes that choice is with your fingertips. What keeps me hanging on is our Lord's faithfulness. Either I believe it or I don't. It really comes down to that.

So, in this moment of feeling life's finality, pain, and separation from those that we love...God pours out his mercy and grace in a fresh way. Ahead of time, in the form of letters. He knew that this day was going to come and he answered our prayers before we even prayed them. Who else, but God could do that?

He is faithful, we just need to trust Him.

Dad....

My sweet Dad is back in the hospital. He has a fever and when that happens, he needs to be admitted right away. I'm hoping that it's a side effect from his last round of chemo and not some type of infection.

I have felt heavy all day today. I barely made it to church, was so tempted to stay home in my cave and hide. I'm glad that I went. Our pastor preached his heart out. With his words of the truth he brought me to the great throne of our God. I was reminded of God's justice and that through His justice, He has also provided a way for us to be reconciled. The One who judges, has given us mercy and grace through his very own beloved Son.

I walked into church heavy and walked out with hope once again. God sees us, He loves us and He is in control.