Caleb, our 7th grader tonight at the dinner table.
"At my school, kids get money for A's and B's. I get a "good job!".
Dear Caleb,
That's right buddy! My dad didn't pay me! What's up with paying for school work? I seriously don't get it. Your reward is that you learned your stuff, and you have the grade to prove it. Keep those grades up and they'll save you money by giving you scholarships for college. Cuz, guess what, sweet thing...my daddy didn't pay for college either.
Love you....
Mom
Monday, October 8, 2007
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Defining moments...
I had an opportunity this weekend to do some reflection on defining moments in my life. One such moment sticks out and I thought I'd blog about it because that's what I do now. When I was a little girl, around 7, my dad was at the Mayo with a blood count down to 4. We didn't know if he was going to live or die. My mom said we were kneeling at her bedside praying and I told God that if my daddy died, that Jesus would be my daddy. I don't remember praying this prayer, my mom often reminds me of it. I'm struck by a faith that I don't remember, but just had. Fast forward to when I was 17. My dad was again faced with a terrible circumstance (all because of his crohn's disease) and he was heading into emergency surgery once again. I'll never forget his last words to me, he said, "Always remember that no matter what happens, God is sovereign." This was a defining moment. It helped to lay a foundation of faith. As I've been thinking about that, I am overwhelmed that God in his sovereignty, was preparing me for my future faith tests.
The big ones were when I lost two babies to miscarriage, a couple months after that, I had emergency surgery and they diagnosed me with crohn's. Four years later I was told that my baby girl had anencephaly and she would not live beyond my womb. Three years later, I was told that my little 3 year old had autism. And now, my sweet dad has cancer. I know other people suffer much greater than this. I had a wonderful childhood with all the love that I needed. I am not trying to make it sound like "poor me". I am truly in awe of a God who goes before the suffering, prepares us for it when we don't even know it.
I still don't get the why...and I don't need to know. I'm fighting to look past my pain and look at the God who is faithful. To have a deeper trust. A deep knowing that no matter what happens, He will never leave me. I am not alone. And it is all part of his plan. And that Jesus can fill the void when my dad is no longer here. This somehow feels like one of the greatest tests yet. I just love him so much. I feel like I'm losing my safety net.
Jesus, grant me the faith that I had when I was 7.
The big ones were when I lost two babies to miscarriage, a couple months after that, I had emergency surgery and they diagnosed me with crohn's. Four years later I was told that my baby girl had anencephaly and she would not live beyond my womb. Three years later, I was told that my little 3 year old had autism. And now, my sweet dad has cancer. I know other people suffer much greater than this. I had a wonderful childhood with all the love that I needed. I am not trying to make it sound like "poor me". I am truly in awe of a God who goes before the suffering, prepares us for it when we don't even know it.
I still don't get the why...and I don't need to know. I'm fighting to look past my pain and look at the God who is faithful. To have a deeper trust. A deep knowing that no matter what happens, He will never leave me. I am not alone. And it is all part of his plan. And that Jesus can fill the void when my dad is no longer here. This somehow feels like one of the greatest tests yet. I just love him so much. I feel like I'm losing my safety net.
Jesus, grant me the faith that I had when I was 7.
Friday, October 5, 2007
How do you know if you have PMS?
If the friendly drive-thru lady at Wendy's ticks you off when she asks..."Hi, Welcome to Wendy's. Would you like to try our (*(*(^(&^&^% combo today?" First of all, I can never understand what in the world she just said. And second of all, if I'm in the drive-thru, I already have my order ready! Do people actually say yes to this question? Would it not save about 10 seconds of my time to just say..."Welcome to Wendy's...I'm ready for your order." Then, after I ordered this same friendly drive-thru person asked if I'd like to donate one dollar to their adoption fund. In my head I said, "No thank you, I am already donating my whole life to that right now. Thank you very much." Yep...I've got PMS.
And God...thanks for David.
Comic relief this morning in the kitchen. We're doing the whole routine to get the boys on the bus. I'm trying to get David's attention, but that boy gets so distracted (just like his Daddy). Finally, I raise my voice ever so slightly and say, "David! Focus!" He looks up, undaunted, and in his best Tigger voice says, "I am! I am! I'm focused on multiple things!" Then breaks out into song, "It's hard, it's hard, it's hard to focus on multiple things." Over and over again. It was so good, I asked him if that was really a Tigger song...of course not. It was a David original. That's my boy.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Day 2 - Rom. 8:28
I'm working through this short series that Piper is speaking on....Rom. 8:28. Today's thoughts are about God knowing, planning, allowing all things to happen to us, good and bad. Piper gave the example of Joseph. Do you know it was 17 years from the time he was sold until he was put in charge of the lives of a whole nation. In those 17 years, his father was grieving for a son whom he thought was dead. Joseph was given small windows of relief, but kept being put back in prison and forgotten. Piper was saying that God worked all of this out for Joseph's good and to bring glory to himself and to save a whole nation from starvation.
The next example was Job. And as he was describing all of this, he read a reference of scripture from James 5 that the reason God did this was to show his mercy and compassion. Now, I have be honest. I was challenged in my thinking for a second about God's nature. From the outside, it would seem that God hurt his own "son" Job in order to show him his mercy. Would we do that to our children? Hurt them only to show them comfort? Immediately I knew this was stinkin thinking because we're talking about God here. Then, he made the statement, that God also did this with Jesus. And I was humbled to the depths of my soul.
God allowed his son to die on the cross.....Jesus took on my sin...and everyone elses so God could show his mercy and his compassion on me....the undeserving sinner. The daughter who deserves hell.
Then he said this.....if God was a God who came in and cleaned up only after something terrible has happened...what does that say about him being God? Is it not comforting to know that God has control before the horrific event, during and after? God always shows up in our pain. He always does something good out of it for those who love Him. He has to, because he said it. And he's faithful.
I know these are heavy posts. But it is so helpful to write them out. I want to be faithful, yet I can't deny the struggle. And my prayer is, in the struggle, that I will believe and trust Him deeper and the dark corners of my soul would be lightened by Him. I want to be faithful. I want God to be my rock.
The next example was Job. And as he was describing all of this, he read a reference of scripture from James 5 that the reason God did this was to show his mercy and compassion. Now, I have be honest. I was challenged in my thinking for a second about God's nature. From the outside, it would seem that God hurt his own "son" Job in order to show him his mercy. Would we do that to our children? Hurt them only to show them comfort? Immediately I knew this was stinkin thinking because we're talking about God here. Then, he made the statement, that God also did this with Jesus. And I was humbled to the depths of my soul.
God allowed his son to die on the cross.....Jesus took on my sin...and everyone elses so God could show his mercy and his compassion on me....the undeserving sinner. The daughter who deserves hell.
Then he said this.....if God was a God who came in and cleaned up only after something terrible has happened...what does that say about him being God? Is it not comforting to know that God has control before the horrific event, during and after? God always shows up in our pain. He always does something good out of it for those who love Him. He has to, because he said it. And he's faithful.
I know these are heavy posts. But it is so helpful to write them out. I want to be faithful, yet I can't deny the struggle. And my prayer is, in the struggle, that I will believe and trust Him deeper and the dark corners of my soul would be lightened by Him. I want to be faithful. I want God to be my rock.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
God is the Gospel
This is the title of John Piper's new book. He has written all about the following in it. Haven't read it yet, but I listened to an online sermon that expounded on Romans 8:28...one of the most quoted Bible verses of all time.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
The past few days I've been cringing when I hear, "God is good.". I know it in my head, I believe it with my heart, but I don't feel like it right now. I have these pangs in my gut when I think about my dad. Maybe it's another step in digesting the reality that he has cancer and he doesn't have much longer on this earth. Here's a man who is sold out for the kindgom, in the last chapter of his ministry, and it's being cut short.
Yep, I know all the right responses to the above statements...God's plans are better than ours...He is going to do a great work through this suffering...I'm not making light of this, I believe it. But, I'm not there emotionally. In my heart, I don't want this to be my dad's last Christmas. I want my girls to know their Bapa. He's a fun grandpa. I want to be able to call him and hear his voice. When he's at the office, my mom and can I call in and reach him at any time. He told his secretaries to always put us through, even if he's in a meeting. I can always call and hear his voice. I want my mom to have him to grow old with. I don't want her to be all alone. Lots of "I" statments, I know.
So what does one do with all of the thoughts, the pain, the heart that desires something different...something that doesn't seem to be God's plan? I've been listening to sermons every night when I go to sleep. I'm working on filling my mind with the truth, and praying and giving God all of my laments. Here's what I was reminded of this morning, as I relistened to this sermon again....(this is Piper's words..not mine)
Loving God is not a response for God being good to me. Loving God is not something that we do. It is not a response to being saved. (He said he's been working 30 years to put this in writing and to understand it)...
Loving God is in its essence:
desiring God in and beyond His gifts
treasuring God in and beyond His gifts
delighting in God in and beyond His gifts
being satisfied with God in and beyond His gifts
cherishing God in and beyond His gifts
Savoring God himself in and beyond His gifts
Valuing God in and beyond His gifts
prizing God in and beyond His gifts
revering God in and beyond His gifts
admiring God in and beyond His gifts
We can be trapped with wanting God to give us his gifts, but according to Rom. 8:28, we have to love him first. So, do we love him first, so we can get his gifts? And round and round we go. He offered a way out of this. He said the escape path for my heart is to look at the promise of God (Rom. 8:28), look through it, before it applies to me, and look straight at God. See Him, taste Him, feel Him, linger with God, look at Jesus, think about his life, what He did for us, watch God's actions in History...and then pray Deut. 30:6.
"The Lord your God will circumcise your hearts and the hearts of your decendants, so that you may love him with all your heart and with all your soul, and live."
So, my prayer is just that. God, change my heart, help me to have the faith to believe, because even that comes from you. Help me to love you and savor you for who you are, not what I think you should do for me to live a comfortable life.
My dad said it in the hospital, "Either I believe what I preach or I don't. I choose to believe."
(The sermon is on the radio broadcast archives..."All Things for Good..3/22/07 - 3/29. There are six 24 minute segments..I'd give you the link, but I don't know how to find it.)
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
The past few days I've been cringing when I hear, "God is good.". I know it in my head, I believe it with my heart, but I don't feel like it right now. I have these pangs in my gut when I think about my dad. Maybe it's another step in digesting the reality that he has cancer and he doesn't have much longer on this earth. Here's a man who is sold out for the kindgom, in the last chapter of his ministry, and it's being cut short.
Yep, I know all the right responses to the above statements...God's plans are better than ours...He is going to do a great work through this suffering...I'm not making light of this, I believe it. But, I'm not there emotionally. In my heart, I don't want this to be my dad's last Christmas. I want my girls to know their Bapa. He's a fun grandpa. I want to be able to call him and hear his voice. When he's at the office, my mom and can I call in and reach him at any time. He told his secretaries to always put us through, even if he's in a meeting. I can always call and hear his voice. I want my mom to have him to grow old with. I don't want her to be all alone. Lots of "I" statments, I know.
So what does one do with all of the thoughts, the pain, the heart that desires something different...something that doesn't seem to be God's plan? I've been listening to sermons every night when I go to sleep. I'm working on filling my mind with the truth, and praying and giving God all of my laments. Here's what I was reminded of this morning, as I relistened to this sermon again....(this is Piper's words..not mine)
Loving God is not a response for God being good to me. Loving God is not something that we do. It is not a response to being saved. (He said he's been working 30 years to put this in writing and to understand it)...
Loving God is in its essence:
desiring God in and beyond His gifts
treasuring God in and beyond His gifts
delighting in God in and beyond His gifts
being satisfied with God in and beyond His gifts
cherishing God in and beyond His gifts
Savoring God himself in and beyond His gifts
Valuing God in and beyond His gifts
prizing God in and beyond His gifts
revering God in and beyond His gifts
admiring God in and beyond His gifts
We can be trapped with wanting God to give us his gifts, but according to Rom. 8:28, we have to love him first. So, do we love him first, so we can get his gifts? And round and round we go. He offered a way out of this. He said the escape path for my heart is to look at the promise of God (Rom. 8:28), look through it, before it applies to me, and look straight at God. See Him, taste Him, feel Him, linger with God, look at Jesus, think about his life, what He did for us, watch God's actions in History...and then pray Deut. 30:6.
"The Lord your God will circumcise your hearts and the hearts of your decendants, so that you may love him with all your heart and with all your soul, and live."
So, my prayer is just that. God, change my heart, help me to have the faith to believe, because even that comes from you. Help me to love you and savor you for who you are, not what I think you should do for me to live a comfortable life.
My dad said it in the hospital, "Either I believe what I preach or I don't. I choose to believe."
(The sermon is on the radio broadcast archives..."All Things for Good..3/22/07 - 3/29. There are six 24 minute segments..I'd give you the link, but I don't know how to find it.)
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Clean Kitchen Floors
Today I cleaned my kitchen floor. I love a clean kitchen floor. It makes me want to bake. So, I made banana bread, carrot cake cookies, and a warm yummy dinner for my family. I always try and maintain my clean kitchen floor for at least the day that I washed it. This, is probably not a good idea. So, my question is...how long does a kitchen floor stay clean in this household? Today, it was about 1 hour and 45 minutes. (Keep in mind, this was nap time and there is no activity what-so-ever during this time.) Here's what happened:
warm banana bread crumbs (from 3 out of 4 kiddos)
crumbs from the carrot cake cookies
wet banana bread crumbs spewed from a child trying to talk while eating
bread crumbs from dinner
fluffy ball strings (from the yarn ball that is slowly falling apart)
au jus spilled in a sprawling manner (from the 8 year old trying to walk it to the counter)
the muddy ladder from under the deck
the old ceiling fan coming down...dust..screws...
the outside shoes that are now being worn on the muddy ladder
crumbs from the bedtime snack...did I mention it was a blueberry cereal bar?
It makes my frustrated explanations seem ridiculous...."I just washed my floor!" I think the lesson learned is, I am going to be thankful that underneath all the crumbs and dirt, I still have a clean floor. For at least another day. Don't you think?
warm banana bread crumbs (from 3 out of 4 kiddos)
crumbs from the carrot cake cookies
wet banana bread crumbs spewed from a child trying to talk while eating
bread crumbs from dinner
fluffy ball strings (from the yarn ball that is slowly falling apart)
au jus spilled in a sprawling manner (from the 8 year old trying to walk it to the counter)
the muddy ladder from under the deck
the old ceiling fan coming down...dust..screws...
the outside shoes that are now being worn on the muddy ladder
crumbs from the bedtime snack...did I mention it was a blueberry cereal bar?
It makes my frustrated explanations seem ridiculous...."I just washed my floor!" I think the lesson learned is, I am going to be thankful that underneath all the crumbs and dirt, I still have a clean floor. For at least another day. Don't you think?
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