Coffeetime.....thoughts about this journey we call life....

Swearing, Cussing, Vulgarity, Oh My!

2011-07-26T15:01:00.002-05:00

A late night conversation with the Davester about what different words mean went something like this:

Davester, "Okay, I don't get it. What is up with the word bastard? Why is it bad? When I hear bastard, I think custard! And custard just makes me want to eat cake!"

His Hands

2010-09-07T09:35:00.003-05:00

I read this scripture to the kiddos this morning before they left for school:

"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot." Psalm 16:5

In an attempt to explain the second part, I said that this meant that God holds their day in His hands. Nothing would happen today that surprised Him. He knows exactly where they are at all times. And if they trusted in Jesus, some day, they would go to heaven forever! He holds our days and our future!

When the kids were outside waiting for the bus, Bethany looked up at the sky and said, "I don't see God's hands." And then she laughed. I think she was attempting humor. What I'm most excited about is the fact that she remembered what I was trying to explain and was thinking about the fact that her day is indeed in God's hands.

Thankful

2010-06-05T12:00:00.004-05:00

I met an old friend in the grocery store yesterday. It had been three years since we have talked. She thought I moved to Florida. Nope. Still here. She wondered if we ever found out about our daughter, did she have autism? Yes, she has autism. And what else is new? My dad got cancer and he's gone. It's been two years already. She is a nurse and works with acute leukemia patients. She was astonished that we had seven months. She said those patients can have as little as two weeks. We're going to get together in the fall for lunch, when all of my children will be in school all day.

As I look back at that conversation, I'm astonished, really. Wow. When did all of that happen? When did our lives change with special needs and a diagnosis that would bring my dad home? Two years later, it's still surreal. I hear his voice and I can feel his hugs. Life just keeps rolling along.

And I find myself so thankful that we had the seven months, that babygirl is progressing so well in her disability and through it all, I have a God who promises to never leave. And the bonus, is a husband who is committed 110% to be what God wants him to be, and constantly gives me the love and encouragement that I need. I see him now reaching out to his own family and my heart is full.

Through the good times and bad, his love is constant, and so is my Abba Father's. So thankful.

Moments

2010-05-13T09:22:00.007-05:00

Life is filled with different types of moments. Moments of seemingly small significance. Recognizing that David's bubble maker that he is creating with his dad's drill is amazing, explaining to Bethany why she can't be a morning kindergartner like her friend, hearing Faith say that she loves me and that I'm her special gift, and waking up Caleb and talking about what he was like when he was little. A phone call with the Elder, and hearing his heartbeat for the body at FCC. Checking emails, browsing on facebook while drinking my morning coffee, crying at the video from Selah and being reminded how much my Jesus loves me. The breakfast dishes are once again calling my name, I need to change sheets, vacuum the floors, make a meatloaf and somewhere in my day, read my Bible and exercise and tackle that organizing project that I started 3 weeks ago. The one I couldn't finish when difficult moments arrived and derailed me from the seemingly mundane chores on Oakgreen Circle.

Then there are those "other" moments. The ones that your life stops and your world is defined by something different. The moment that you hear a diagnosis. The moment at the cemetery when the fifty verses of Amazing Grace is finally finished and you wonder to yourself...now what? There are beautiful moments as well, getting engaged, walking down the isle of my dad's arm, feeling my baby kick for the first time and then the joy of meeting that little one face to face.

And I think to myself...(can you hear the song.."What a Wonderful World")....what do all these moments add up to? I am constantly struggling to make ordinary moments count, to be faithful even in the tough moments of parenting, to not let self-pity or despair overtake me. Discouragement seeps into those ordinary moments with a whisper of discontent and if I don't pay attention to it, it gives way to something bigger and uglier and a posture that is not honoring to my King.

I'm left with the choice to believe that all of the ordinary moments of all of our days add up to something bigger. I often think that it's in the ordinary moments that great things happen. I wonder how many things I miss because I'm not paying attention or I'm too tired to see? I'm also convinced that the God who created this world, loves me enough to care about every little moment of every waking hour. That fact alone keeps me going and gives me what I need for the next several moments.

Now..about those breakfast dishes.

Abba Father...thank you.

2010-05-06T08:57:00.004-05:00

This morning was a tough one at the Zimm's for many reasons. For the most part, though, it was a tired mama trying to deal with two special needs girls. If one wasn't fussing, the other one was. It can be so constant. I found myself on the familiar thinking path of, "I can't do this, this is too hard." When those thoughts start coming down the track of my thinking patterns, I know that I have more work to do. I need to replace those thoughts with, "God, help me. Thank you for these girls and all the challenges. Help me to find joy in the battle." What usually happens is, I just get out the first three words. Today, it didn't even get that far. I kicked a few things around, sputtered a few words that an elder's wife shouldn't say and entertained the negative thinking tracks. I hadn't even gotten to the help part when God surprised me.

I needed to call Bethany's classroom teacher about something and she surprised me with a positive story about our girl. Yesterday, they went to their first pep fest. The teacher sat at the edge right by the door, with Bethany, unsure of how she would react to the big kids and the noise. Our girl, the one who couldn't even walk on wood floors, stayed. She not only stayed, she cheered when someone made a basket, she stomped her feet along with the rest of the kids as they chanted, and she not only stayed, she laughed and smiled and participated just like everyone else.

This might seem like an insignificant feat, but for our girl with her sensory issues, this was no small miracle. And then the teacher went on to say how pleased she has been with Bethany all year. She has interacted with 27 other kids in a classroom and learned the routine and she's happy every day. She walks into the classroom with a smile on her face. Even on the days that she's left screaming and crying from home.

Why write all this down? To remind myself that even when my first reaction isn't a good one and I don't cry out to God for help, He's still there. He reaches out and gently reminds me of how much he loves me, how much he loves Bethany, and reminds me that He's here. She's making progress. Yes..it's hard and yes, I have to fight the stinking thinking patterns every day. But even in the days that I don't fight well, He's still working and loving all of us. Amazing.

Flippin....

2010-04-27T11:31:00.005-05:00

Faith loves Curious George. She keeps checking out the same book and it is getting very old for this mom, "Curious George Makes Pancakes." In order to break the monotony of this story, I inserted the word "flippin" as many times as I could. When I started to laugh hysterically at my own creativity, she burst into tears. I missed reading the last page the way I wanted to. So, here's what I missed:

"At the end of the flippin day, George got to present the flippin money from the fundraiser to the president of the flippin hospital. "Thanks to you, George, this has been our best flippin year ever!" she said. "Will you come back and make flippin pancakes again next year?"

George nodded and everyone flippin cheered.

There...now I have flippin closure.

S.T.U.F.F.

2010-04-22T11:28:00.004-05:00

I have diligently instructed my children with a mantra while cleaning their rooms. They know it is the slogan that I try to live by and they can recite it from memory from an early age. Here it is: "Stuff weighs you down." As I have been feeling weighted down as of late with all the piles sitting around my house, an acronym came to mind. I'm going to post it for the children to recite at the dinner table.

S laves
T rapped
U nder
F lippin
F oolishness

It will be posted under the other quote that is hanging by the dinner table: "Impossible is not a word it's just a reason not to try."
(Kutless, "What Faith Can Do")

We will conquer the clutter.

Football analogy....

2010-01-11T08:29:00.007-06:00

I woke up this morning repeating over and over, "I won't be crabby. I won't be crabby." My sweet husband asked me what I was doing. I told him I really don't enjoy this time of day, it's chaos, etc. He said, "That's like a football player telling himself, I won't fumble, I won't fumble. Guess what? He fumbles. You have to choose joy."

The older he gets, the more he is like my dad. I can hear my dad saying that. So, what does that look like? Well, the baby step that I took this morning was lifting my eyebrows and smiling. My husband walked into the kitchen to tell me goodbye, took one look at me and said, "What is going on?".

To his surprise, I replied, "I'm smiling. I figured if I smiled, maybe joy would follow." Dad always said to do the actions of obedience first and the emotions will follow.

The January blahs are looming, but I know Jesus wants joy for all of us. So if you see me with a big old smile on my face, you'll know what I'm up to. Don't mess with me...underneath that might be a crabby football player trying not to fumble.

Down for the count...

2009-12-21T21:21:00.002-06:00

Our four year old took out the 14 year old today with one swift punch. He is now singing a first soprano.

Dear Future Grown Up Daughter...

2009-12-20T12:31:00.006-06:00

Dear Grown Up Faith,
When you were little, you cried, fussed and whined all.the.time. If you didn't have anything to fuss about, you'd find a bump on your neck, a scratch on your thumb, something, anything to lament about. This morning in church, you really didn't like the dress and new tights. You were itching everywhere. And when you weren't itching, you were telling me you were thirsty. On the way to the bathroom, you were greeted by several people who love you. You did not have time for them. You didn't even acknowledge their comments about how pretty you looked today. In the bathroom, you fussed because I insisted on helping you lift up your dress because if it dipped in the toilet, the fussing that would follow would be even more painful than the fussing that happened while I lifted your dress. We had a reprieve as you sat at the tables and colored during family LifeShaping. But, then, while holding your candy cane, it broke. And everyone heard about it. Especially during Pastor Larry's prayer.

You were happy on the way home. This was wonderful. In the old days, like about 2 weeks ago, you would've fussed all the way home about something. When we got home, I made the mistake of mentioning that we were going to pack away the Vick's machine after nap. You are all better, no more cold! And..yes..you fussed about this as well.

My prayer for you dear daughter, that all of this attention that you give to details, will serve you well as an adult. Perhaps you will be a nurse, and be sensitive to people who complain, or maybe you'll be a teacher and that child that nobody else can handle, you will have special insight into. Or, maybe you will be a stay at home mom, and God will bless you with a child like yourself. I'll take her for you for a few hours and with great joy, I will hand her back. But most of all, I hope you know how much Jesus loves you. And that life will never be perfect because as Daddy says, "It's all broken." And if you feel like fussing as an adult I pray that you will take it to the cross. For right now, I'm doing that for you and for myself. That..and will someone hand me some advil, please.

Coffee...

2009-12-18T10:11:00.003-06:00

So, I think that making coffee first thing in the morning for myself is just like when you put the oxygen mask on in an airplane. Taking care of coffee first allows me to take care of the ones around me much better. Coffee equals oxygen for coffeegirl.

A real man...

2009-12-17T19:59:00.002-06:00

The Davester...

While David was waiting for the bus this morning, he was climbing up a hill, on his knees, and sliding down on his sled and wiping out. After the fourth time, I told him that maybe that wasn't such a good idea as his pants were getting wet. To this motherly concern he replied,

"I suppose I should have snowpants on. But, Mom, I'm a man. And a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do."

Okay then. I'm not getting in the way of his manhood.

What do I want to be known for?

2009-12-15T13:28:00.003-06:00

I just finished reading the obituaries. I cried at a letter written from a grown son to his deceased mother. He told her how hard life was without her but he had a new friend who was helping him, Jesus Christ. I read about two people who died suddenly in their 50's. Another woman, 78, died peacefully in her sleep. Others, died peacefully or died courageously in their battle of cancer, alzheimer's, parkinsons. And I can't help wondering, what will my last breath look like? Will I die courageously? Will I die in my sleep? Will I die suddenly at fifty years old? I hope I just die in my sleep.

And then, there's the description. Preceeded in death by...a spouse, a parent, and God-forbid, a child. After that, there are two or three sentences about who they were. Loved to read, avid outdoorsman, special ed. teacher...and I wonder. What will my two sentences be? What will I be known for? What do I want to be known for? What really matters?

She quilted, she scrapbooked, she loved facebook, she loved to organize, she struggled to stay positive with her special needs daughters....so far, here's what I've got.

Preceeded in death by her daughter, Grace, her beloved father. God knows the rest of the story. It's up to me to fill in the blanks with the best I can, living out His calling in the middle of the daily routines. And hoping beyond hope that the littlest mundane activity adds up to kingdom value. That wiping away the tears that come so easily on our daughters cheeks, speaking calmly when I really want to scream, taking a breath to calm myself before I attempt to calm the anxious hearted...all matters.

I know it might seem a little bit odd reading the obituaries in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon, but hey, that's where life is lived, where our last breaths will be breathed...in the middle of an ordinary day. And, if we know Jesus...that day, that moment won't be ordinary at all. It will be the beginning of the best homecoming party ever thrown. It's all pretty short in comparison. Now, back to the dailyness of laundry.

Some of the most patient things in life...

2009-12-14T14:50:00.003-06:00

1. My husband..he loves me through the good, the bad and the ugly
2. Breakfast dishes (they are patiently sitting on my counter and it's almost 3 p.m.)
3. my ironing pile....it just sits quietly..never fusses
4. Skeeter, David's turle. Love Skeeter. You walk by his tank and he follows you..quietly.
5. Dust...it just keeps collecting friends without a word.

It's really all in how you look at it, really.

Theme song changed just a little....

2009-12-14T09:15:00.003-06:00

Feel free to finish this for me......to the tune of Cheers....

Making my bed in the world today takes everything I've got...
Sure would like to stay and hide and think or maybe not...
Wouldn't it be nice to get away????

Sometimes you want to go where nobody knows your name....
And there's room service to claim....

Mama Bear's Claws are tied....

2009-11-11T14:44:00.003-06:00

Dear Caleb,

The Bible tells us that in this life we will have many troubles and tribulations. God actually allows our faith to be tested. I believe that you are in one of those testing times right now. I am as well. I'd really like to go up to the teacher who has maligned your character and give her a piece of my mind. I just might get that opportunity, we'll see how tomorrow's meeting goes. Mama Bear's claws are trying to stay calm as I see my cub being attacked.

Here's what I'm trying to remember. Before the beginning of time, you were God's idea. He made you. He formed you. He has your days numbered. And in the same way that you were fashioned in my womb, so was this teacher. She was fashioned in her mother's womb. Her days are numbered. I know that you believe in Jesus. I know that when your last breath comes, I will see you again on the other side of eterntiy. I don't know if I can say that about the her. I am praying that I can look at this situation to speak the truth, but to do it in a way that honors God. I would like to handle this opportunity in a way that hopefully, this woman can walk away and think to herself...they were really upset, but they handled that in a way I've never seen before.

I hope that she sees Jesus in our defense. Just becuase you are a Christ follower, doesn't meant that people can walk all over you. But it does mean, that when you defend yourself, you do it in a way that is loving, truthful, not shaming, and honoring to our King. Because at the end of the day......rather, at the end of time itself, all that matters is what our King thinks of us. We all come to His throne alone. Accountable for our hearts.

My prayer for us is that we honor our King in our anger and defense.

Love eternally...
Mom

I'm back...

2009-07-05T22:07:00.003-05:00

So I quit blogging for a long time. I felt like I didn't have anything good to say while I was deep in grief over my dad. There were a few other reasons as well, and I've decided that they don't matter anymore. I'm constantly writing in my head, it's therapy for me. I'm ready to throw some thoughts out there again. If for no other reason, the therapy of clearing my head. God has been working in my heart and mind and I'd like to tie some loose ends together. For Him...so He gets the glory. Not to point at me in any way. His grace is amazing and I'm humbled that He never gave up on me.

One more thing..if any of my peeps read this...would you start praying for me about one thing? I'm going to speak at October's Latte...to kick off the year and make my "retirement" official. I'm excited and nervous. It is a culminating event for me on many levels.

Latte started out of grieving for Grace and ended for me with the death of my dad. In the middle there was autism. It's interesting to me ..the timing of it all. God uses us when we're empty. Maybe that's the perfect time. Maybe when I thought I had it all together, it would've just been about me and that thought makes me want to throw up (going with the theme of Porter's sermon today.)

Anyway...here I am. The pain is not so intense and I'm thankful that God really does take our ashes and makes something beautiful out of them. This was the fiercest battle so far and I long for everyone to taste the everlasting water that Jesus has given me. I've only had a few drops and He has so much more.....

Dear Dad...

2009-05-14T21:49:00.003-05:00

I miss you so much. I think the thing that I miss the most is your voice. I can still hear it in my head and I'm so thankful for that. I miss our talks. You always had time for me, and listened, asked questions and had a way of helping me to feel hopeful. I miss hearing your choke up when you'd tell me how much you loved me and then how your voice would change as you prayed for me. You turned into this pillar of faith and light. I always felt better after talking to you. I love you so much.

Thoughts on Joy and Sorrow...Piper again...

2009-03-25T14:42:00.001-05:00

The Sorrow and Joy of the Seasoned Soul
Posted: 25 Mar 2009 03:09 AM PDT
(Author: John Piper)

It is not a sign of a seasoned Christian soul that steady joy is untinged with steady sorrow.

Or to put it positively, the seasoned soul in Christ has a steady joy and a steady sorrow.

They protect each other. Joy is protected from being flippant by steady sorrow. Sorrow is protected from being fatal by steady joy.

And they intensify each other. Joy is made deeper by steady sorrow. Sorrow is made sweeter by steady joy.

For the seasoned Christian soul, I do not see how it can be otherwise while people are perishing and we are saved. I do not see how it can be otherwise while these two passages are written by the same inspired man:

I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart. For I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, my kinsmen according to the flesh. (Romans 9:2-3)

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. (Philippians 4:4)

Davester...

2009-03-22T13:11:00.004-05:00

This is the Davester. He is fun, energetic, a fighter, a singer, and a great communicator. This is his story of his experience at church today. It went down something like this:

"So, David, how was church for you today?"
"I had the worst Sunday School experience today of my life!"
"Really? What happened?"

"Well, it all started when they lined us up and had us number off and then put us all at tables according to our numbers. I had to sit at a table with all girls! All my friends got to sit together. It got worse when they told us to come up with a name for our table. The teacher called on a girl sitting by me and she named our team the "Kitty Cats"! My friends? They named their team the "Packers!". I was laughing and kind of sad all at the same time and my eyes welled up with tears! Every time our team got a point I'd say....yessss..the Kitty Cats are fighting back!"

"Then..Mom...you're not going to believe what happens next. We always write down prayer requests on a piece of paper and at the end of class, the teacher hands one to everyone. We're supposed to pray for one another. Guess which one I got! The girl who named our team! Here's what it says:

Please pray for my cat she is getting old. She is 81. Her name is Jenny but I call her Kitty. I love her alot!!! And..that's not all. there's a picture of a cat on top of the page. Now I know why she named our team that!"

"So David...what do you think God is trying to teach you in all of this?"

Fourteen year old brother pipes up, "Be patient with women."

Helpful...

2009-03-11T12:42:00.001-05:00

In light of Caleb S.'s homegoing and this week marking the year anniversary of my dad's..this blog entry by Piper brought me hope today to my tired, sad heart.

2 Stages of God’s Care for Us: Fettered and Freed
March 11, 2009 | By: John Piper
Category: Commentary
In this age, God rescues his people from some harm. Not all harm. That’s comforting to know, because otherwise we might conclude from our harm that he has forgotten us or rejected us.

So be encouraged by the simple reminder that in Acts 16:19-24 Paul and Silas were not delivered, but in verses 25-26 they were.

First, no deliverance:

“They seized Paul and Silas and dragged them into the marketplace.” (v. 19)
“The magistrates tore the garments off them.” (v. 22)
They “inflicted many blows upon them.” (v. 23)
The jailer “fastened their feet in the stocks.” (v. 24)
But then deliverance:

About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God...and suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken. And immediately all the doors were opened, and everyone’s bonds were unfastened. (v. 25-26)

God could have stepped in sooner. He didn’t. He has his reasons. He loves Paul and Silas.

Question for you: If you plot your life along this continuum, where are you? Are you in the stripped and beaten stage, or the unshackled, door-flung-open stage?

Both are God’s stages of care for you.

If you are in the fettered stage, don’t despair. Sing. Freedom is on the way. It is only a matter of time. Even if it comes through death.

March 9th

2009-03-09T13:43:00.003-05:00

This day marks the birth of our daughter. Five years ago, a mother gave us the ultimate sacrifice and gave us her baby girl to raise and to love as our own. Five years ago, God wove this precious baby, into our hearts and lives.

Two years ago today, it was then that our baby girl covered her ears and screamed as we sang, "Happy Birthday" to her. Deep inside my mommy heart, I knew something was desperately wrong. This begun another journey into autism.

Last year, on this date, my dad wore an oxygen mask because he had influenza and could not get enough air. It was this day that marked the beginning of the most difficult week in my entire life as Dad continued to decline, was put on a respirator and we made that terrible decision that it was "time" to take him off. I don't wish this on anyone.

And yet..somewhere there is a family of a boy named, "Caleb" who are faced with this terrible decision as their son had an accident snowboarding. I cannot imagine having to face this with your own child. This day marks a huge moment in their lives as well.

So..it is this that brings me hope today. The whole chapter of Psalms 103. But this verse specifically....

"as a Father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it and it is gone, and its place knows it no more....But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children's children."

How to change the world....

2009-03-03T14:03:00.002-06:00

Caleb is home sick. We just finished watching the inspirational movie, "Rudy". When it was over, we were talking about what we were going to do to change the world. The conversation went something like this:

"So Mom, what are you going to do to change the world?"

"I'm going just focus on my little corner of the world because that's all I've got. I'm going to keep working with those little girls that are so much work. It's the hand I was dealt and I'm not going to give up. Even if I feel like I was dealt too many cards."

Caleb's quick response.....

"Better use two hands."

Positively Sarcastic...

2009-02-27T13:16:00.003-06:00

Caleb wants to co-author a book with me someday and this is going to be the title. We've been gathering little snippets here and there to include. What's our vision for this publication you ask? To see if we can be positive and sarcastic at the same time. Here was his contribution today..and he meant it. Ouch.

Mom...you know, when you actually decide to cook, you are a really good cook.

Flip charts...

2009-02-26T09:03:00.002-06:00

I have this flip chart of verses right by the kitchen sink. I'm there 90% of the day so this works well. I have had this verse there for weeks. I can't seem to flip it because I want this to permeate my soul.

GOD OF HOPE,
fill me with all joy and peace as I trust in You, so that I may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 15:13

Little by little, the darkness of anger and disappointment is going away. The light of Jesus is slowly rising like the most beautiful sunrise approaches. I love how His light chases away the darkness. It's totally in slow motion which I'm growing to appreciate. At first, I wanted the darkness to flee quickly. My DH kept telling me that the struggle had a purpose and to keep hanging on. Little by little, I can see that as well.

So as the sun rises, his love chases the darkness away, and trust seeps in with beautiful warm rays of light. When trust comes back, so does hope and hope does not disappoint. Hope gives me the courage to fight another day. The battle is fierce and sometimes it is very ugly and dark, but the darker it gets, the brighter Jesus is. And the tighter I hang onto to Him.

A gift....

2009-01-28T21:58:00.003-06:00

I was cleaning out my office area today. The never ending project...and I found a box of old letters. Yep. You guessed it. Inside were about a dozen letters from my dad. All dated back to when I was in college. My dad didn't like to be on the phone or to write letters, but he really made a huge effort when I was away from home. My favorite line in all of them...."Dear daughter, your dad loves you muchly.". I know..a scholar he wasn't, but a loving, humble, God-fearing man, he was. I am so blessed to be the daughter of Richard T. Reynertson.

Reprimanded...

2009-01-21T13:33:00.003-06:00

By my 14 year old. It went something like this:

"Boys, I will be picking you up from school today."
"Why can't Dad do it?"
"Because he has another stinking meeting to go to."

14 year old, with his hands in his pockets, his head tilted in a fatherly manner, "Mom, remember when Dad was trying to decide if he should do this elder thing, we discussed this as a family. We knew that it was going to be like this. It's not a stinking meeting. It's important."

40 year old mother spits out the only childish thing she can think of.

"You're mean."

The tables are turning too quickly.

Seriously, people....

2009-01-09T13:44:00.003-06:00

I'm seriously tired of the magazine covers that stare me in the face at the grocery store. Would someone please put some clothes on these thin, scantily dressed ladies? Why doesn't someone come out with an In Style magazine for people like us? Mom's Who Can Wear Sweats and still look sexy! Do you ever see that headline? And could there please be shirts that will fit a middle-aged body that is trying not to accentuate that nasty fat roll? Maybe if they made jeans that were just a tad bit higher..I don't know. I'm just saying. Fashion for normal people. People.

Anyone else have a headline?

A word from Spurgeon to cheer us on....

2009-01-01T11:21:00.000-06:00

“Behold, I make all things new!”
Posted: 01 Jan 2009 12:03 AM CST

“There are children of God who need this text, ‘Behold, I make all things new,’ whose sigh is that they so soon grow dull and weary in the ways of God, and therefore they need daily renewing. After a few months a vigorous young Christian will begin to cool down; and those who have been long in the ways of God find that final perseverance must be a miracle if ever it is to be accomplished, for naturally they tire and faint.

Well, now, dear friends, why do you and I ever get stale and flat? Why, it is because we get away from him who says, ‘Behold, I make all things new.’ The straight way to a perpetual newness and freshness of holy youth is to go to Christ again, just as we did at the first. A better thing still is never to leave him, but to stand for ever at the cross-foot delighting yourself in his all-sufficient sacrifice.

They that are full of the joy of the Lord never find life grow weary. Getting near to Christ, you will partake in his joy, and that joy shall be your strength, your freshness, the newness of your life. God grant us to drink of the eternal founts, that we may for ever overflow.”

—Charles Spurgeon, “Sermon for New Year’s Day”

I probably shouldn't be blogging right now....

2008-12-31T11:51:00.003-06:00

Why? My dark mood. Feeling like I'm in a slump and want to do something COMPLETELY different with my life. No, I'm not talking about not keeping my commitments or striving to be the wife, mom, that God wants me to be. But..do you ever just want to change something and you're not sure what? Curtains aren't enough....I'm talking something major. Like that thing way deep down inside that screams for change? What probably needs to happen is a new resolved to work out, change my diet, read my Bible more faithfully, buck up and keep working with my girl who needs so.much.work. And honestly..if I read one more facebook entry about people watching movies all day, or sitting by the window watching the snow fall while they quietly sip their coffee and read a book......

Yeah...probably shouldn't be blogging right now. The dark side exposed.

Mimi beating the Davester at Monopoly....

2008-12-26T17:29:00.000-06:00

Christmas Day 2008

2008-12-25T23:34:00.002-06:00

Today..I felt like a Martha. I cooked, cleaned, took care of small and big people all in the spirit of trying to create a great day for everyone. Martha is tired. Tomorrow, I hope to be Mary. I hope to soak in the people that God has placed in my life and I long to enjoy them. Lord..help them to be enjoyable.......cease the fussing, whining, screaming, and sassing. Or bring a nanny. Either one will do. Good night, everyone.

More on faith...

2008-12-21T14:08:00.003-06:00

Conversations with my husband have proven life changing over the past 17 years. We had such a conversation this past week. We were discussing the idea of "safety". I grew up thinking that God would always protect me from harm. I must've twisted this in my head as a child that if I was obedient, did the right things, that God would watch over me and keep me safe. I said something harsh with emotion ....."God doesn't keep me safe. He promises to be with me, but he doesn't promise to keep our children from being abducted, or disease infesting us or even rape....evil happens all around us."

His wise response went something like this....."I wonder what our lives would look like if we saw all the evil that God constantly holds back. I wonder if we would then realize how safe we really are."

Another stone to add to my pile of bricks that are building up my weak and feeble faith. Slowly, one by one, God is putting them in place. My prayer is at the end of my life, God will call me faithful, not because of anything that I can muster up, but because He has made something beautiful in me to present to King Jesus. I know that in my own strength, I would have empty hands.

Faith...

2008-12-18T15:07:00.002-06:00

I bought this Vinyl lettering today at JoAnn's.....I'm going to put it somewhere in our family room.

Faith...is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light.

I like this because I'm tired of all the old sayings..I won't quote them because my luck, they're probably in scripture. One way that I've been making peace with my dad's cancer is to realize that we live in a world that's broken. What if I taught that to my children? The reason we need Jesus is because everything is broken. Chris Tomlin's song comes to my mind..."He wraps Himself in light, and darkness tries to hide...".

We aren't promised life without disease, or autism or anencephaly. We are promised to have troubles. But, we can take hope in the fact that Jesus came to overcome this. He is the light. All hope then, is in Him. He promises to never leave us. To always be with us It doesn't matter if I feel it or not. I can still believe this with my whole heart. Little by little my heart is warming up again to this truth.

It's such a process.

Nine Months...

2008-12-15T23:16:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow wil mark nine months since my dad died. March 16th marked his first day in eternity. It's not for him that I'm sad. It's me. It's my family. My brothers..my sister-in-laws, my husband, my neices and nephews..and my children. All the people that he touched. Nine months. God makes new life in nine months. It somehow feels ironic.

Messy...

2008-11-04T15:26:00.004-06:00

I have been trying to come up with some type of witty blog to post that would make everyone happy. I'd like to publicly say, it's not going to happen. That's my sweet friend Carla's job most days. She brings joy to me as I can laugh at every day life. I think I've hesitated blogging my thoughts because much like the pumpkin losing his seeds (see earlier post), it feels messy. And, do I want to put that out on cyberspace? I feel a little vulnerable with those thoughts and have kept many of them locked up inside. The only problem with that is, I'm so foggy. Grief has a way of fogging up the brain. I'm tired of the fog and the clutter around me and inside my head. The next few months are going to be difficult. My dad's birthday....and then mine the day after, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Holidays are a big deal in my familly. I might blog, I might not. We'll see. I could just keep posting pictures of the Davester...he brings much joy to this Mama.

New Pet Peeve......

2008-10-29T21:03:00.001-05:00

When the check out clerk comments on what I buy. I will talk weather, kids, recipes, I'll even answer the generic question which I hate, "How are you?". But please, please, don't comment on what I buy. Do your shopping on your own time!

The many sides to the Davester......

2008-10-28T13:24:00.005-05:00

You know you've had a tough year when....

2008-10-21T14:56:00.001-05:00

I just finished opening four Christmas cards from 2007. I think I'm ready for the new ones in 2008. Really. Come on. Send them on over.

I'm getting ready to blog......it could get messy.

2008-10-14T20:41:00.002-05:00

"Everything is possible for him who believes." Mark 9:23

2008-05-15T22:58:00.003-05:00

This is the verse at the top of my reading today out of, "Streams in the Dessert". I want to quote some of it. I had just sent an email today to some friends, expressing my desire to want to trust God with my dad's death. I was saying that it was a process for me, and the process feels long, especially when I look into my precious mom's eyes and see how very sad she is. Here's my reading....

The "everything" mentioned here does not always come simply by asking, because God is always seeking to teach you the way of faith. Your training for a life of faith requires many areas of learning, including the trial of faith, the discipline of faith, the patience of faith, and the courage of faith. Often you will pass through many stages before you finally realize the result of faith - namely, the victory of faith.

Genuine moral fiber is developed by enduring the discipline of faith. When you have made your request to God, and the answer still has not come, what are you to do? Keep on believing His Word! Never be swayed from it by what you may see or feel. Then as you stand firm, your power and experience is being developed, strengthened, and deepened. When you remain unswayed form your stance of faith, even in view of supposed contradictions to God's Word, you grow stronger on every front.

God will often purposely delay in giving you His answer, and in fact the delay is just as much an answer to your prayer as is the fulfillment when it comes. He worked this way in the lives of all the great Bible characters, Abraham, Mosses, and Elijah were not great in the beginning but made great through the discipline of their faith. Only through that discipline were they then equipped for the work to which God had called them.

The discipline of faith...this just put things into perspective for me.

My boy's 13...

2008-05-13T21:37:00.003-05:00

The Davester was putting on a puppet show tonight for the girls. He was behind the couch, talking away and making up stories. As he was introducing his characters, he brought up a donkey. He said the donkey's name was Bob. As he was talking away, Caleb blurted out, "No, the donkey's name is Jack."

How do you not laugh at that?

He's so naughty.

No wonder...

2008-05-13T14:07:00.003-05:00

It just hit me today, if it's true that you become best friends with your parents after you are an adult, then I just lost one of my best friends. Not only my Dad, but my best friend. No wonder I'm in such a funk.

I was reading through my grief books yesterday. The author was talking about why well intentioned comments can be so painful. He said, when somebody is trying to comfort you, and it comes out wrong, it feels as though they are taking your grief away from you. I had one of those "aha" moments. Yes! That's it! The majority of us are uncomfortable with grief, and when we see someone that we care about in pain, we want to fix it! We want to make them all better. The reality is, we can't take it away. In God's timing, and with His healing hand....it will be turned into something beautiful. For the moment, it just hurts. And it should. My Dad is worth missing. He was such a part of our lives. And always will be.

For the record, when I've felt the most comforted is when my best friends just hug me. They don't ask how I am. They can see it in my eyes. They don't say a word. I hope I can extend that to others when it's time to comfort somebody else.

Snakes...

2008-05-10T21:49:00.003-05:00

Bethany is now using the bathroom all by herself, the flush, the handwashing, all of it. This is a big deal of independence in our home. At school, they taught her to rub the palms of her hands together as she washes them under water and to prompt her, they say, "Make a snake." I thought that was so clever. So the other day, as she was washing her hands, she wasn't rubbing them together. So, I said, "Make a snake!"

In her low voice she said matter of factly, "It doesn't work."

My literal baby...cracked me up.

Duct not Duck

2008-05-08T22:22:00.003-05:00

I had a good day today...wanna know why? The duct work guys came today and vacuumed out all of my cruddy nasty dust in my duct work. I had a hard time saying "duct" on the phone today..sounded like duck. Anyway..all winter, when the furnace would kick in, we'd have that smell of burned dust, all winter..yes you read that right. Not just when we initally turned the thing on. All winter.

Now..it's clean..and it's spurned other cleaning and organizing. Call it cleaning therapy, whatever. It just felt good to control something..even if it was just dust.

No yard work yet, though.

Kelli...wanna trade? I'll organize, spring clean, and you can do flower beds in Afton.

Deal or no deal?

Just for fun...

2008-05-06T22:37:00.003-05:00

I have a two year old. If you've gotten my answering machine..you'll hear her sreaming in the backround. We affectionately call her the "screamer".

Last week I took her to County Market. She screamed because she didn't get one of those truck carts. They were all gone. You can imagine her reaction when we would turn a corner and see a mom with a young child in a truck cart and she didn't have one. Kicking and screaming like you wouldn't believe. If you're ever at Target, Walmart or County Market and you hear a screaming child, it's probably mine. We rarely get through a store without something tripping her off. I refuse to leave her home. Shopping is necessary and so far, God has helped me to remain calm and just go about my business and ignore all the staring people.

Well, today I thought we had hit the jackpot! Screamer had a truck cart! You should've seen her clapping with joy as she loaded herself in behind the black sticky wheel. She turned corners and did all kinds of amazing things in her truck cart. For the first time in months, we made it through a whole shopping trip with no screaming. Or so I thought.

As we inched towards the check out counter I heard the familiar sound. "NOOOOOOO! TWO MORE MINUTES!!!" Followed by screams. Yep..now she was mad because her truck cart experience was coming to an end. I managed to pay for my groceries, bag them up, while..you guessed it..she was still screaming. All.the.way.to.the.truck.

As I was loading my kicking and screaming toddler into the truck and pushing her into her car seat..I just laughed. I can't wait to tell these stories to her children. Maybe she'll be blessed with a screamer, too. And if I'm really mean, I'll say the dreaded pat comment, "Oh, honey. Enjoy them while they're young. It goes by so fast."

And that's a bad thing?

W.I.S.......

2008-05-06T13:19:00.004-05:00

Things not to say to a recent widow:

1. Don't grab her hands in your hands and say, "Oh, every day it is just going to get easier. And in a few months, you will wake up and will forget that this all happened." Especially if you are only in your mid 30' and have no.idea.what.you.are.talking.about.

2. "I'm a widow, too. It's been seven years and you know, each day doesn't get better. It's harder now than before. I miss him more every day."

3. At least you'll have a great reunion in heaven.

4. Pretty much omit any sentence that begins with "At least" or "Just be thankful" or, "I know how you feel" (especially if you're not a widower yourself).

5. "How are you doing?" while standing in the church foyer. How do you think she's doing? Barely holding herself in one piece. Rather, you could say, "Good to see you." "Praying for you." Hug them and whisper in their ear that you love them. Pretty much delete the whole phrase of "How are you", please. Culture shift....please.

6. And by all means...this is the absolute worst thing...please, please, don't freely share any cancer stories with her or other death related stories. She's living her own cancer nightmare at the moment, why in the world would she want to enter into someone else's nightmare? It's like when you're pregnant with your first baby and every other mother has to tell you her birthing story and how terrible it was. This is cruel to say the least.

Yes, my mother has lived through all of these statements and many more. Well intentioned stabs. Thus, the title. W.I.S.

In Between..

2008-05-05T22:07:00.002-05:00

I'm somewhere between affliction and joy. Just read a great chapter in Piper's book, "Suffering and the Sovereignty of God". It's a collection of chapters from several authors. Not sure who I just read, but it was from a man who lost his baby son to premature death. He said sometimes when we are in pain, we don't feel the presence of God. And that doesn't mean that He's not there. When we're in between the suffering and the joy that comes after long nights of weeping, we often don't feel God's presence. He quoted Psalms 88, perhaps one of the saddest Psalms that has been written. And it doesn't end in hope. It ends in laments. He also said that in this culture, after about a week, we expect the mourner to get back to life as usual. As westerners, we are uncomfortable with grief, and we want to quickly fix it, or hide it from others. And when we see others grieve, we want to quickly assure them of the hope that they have in God for fear that they have forgotten.

It is normal to not feel God's presence when we are in the thick of grief. It is normal to not feel like praying and when you read the Bible, it often seems dormant. The pain is too great at times. But be assured, God is in the dark pit with us. His promises are true, even if it feels like He has left the building.

That's what it feels like. My heart is heavy and burdened and it took all the strength that I could muster (and with God's help) to just give the welcome last night at Latte. I didn't want to be there, didn't want to be around people and pretend that I was fine. So, I wore my dad's favorite color, yellow, with hope that it would help. In the end, it was just a shirt. God went before me, loved me through many sisters in Christ and I made it.

I was encouraged by the chapter I read tonight. And if I can think about it in spiritual terms, God put that chapter in my hands right when I needed it. My head knows He's here, and soon, my hope is, my heart will as well.

Old Birthday Card

2008-04-28T23:16:00.007-05:00

I'm up past sleeping and started thumbing through old birthday cards from my parents. Usually, my mom was the one to write the long note in my cards. This one, my dad must've picked out, because it was his black pen that underlined tons of words ( in italics below), and he had the most to say. It's one to remember. Dads out there....here's a great way to express your love to your daughters.

First, the card.

How do you tell a wonderful daughter
just how much
she means to you
when there are no words to describe
the gift of precious memories
she's given you since the moment she came into your life....

How can you tell her
all the ways she's made
a difference in your world
when nothing can truly measure
the happiness and pride you've felt
watching her face "life's challenges"
and shape her fondest dreams.....

How can you tell a wonderful daughter
all the feelings your heart holds
for her and her alone -
Daughter, you are so very loved
and wished a world of happiness, always.

Next..his message to me.

What more could we say - we are blessed beyond words - God has blessed Mom and I with your - your love- your loyalty - your prayers - always keep on keeping on for Jesus - Never give up - Never give in - Keep moving forward.
Love as always, Dad oooxxx
Proverbs 3:5-6

P.S. You are and always will be "Daddy's little girl!"

I think my favorite part right now is the last part. Never give up, never give in, keep moving forward. I'm tempted to get stuck right now. Bogged down, and down right stuck. I feel like I'm in the middle of a novel, I've just finished a very difficult chapter, and I'm not ready to turn the page. I'm a little fearful what the author might have in store in the next chapter. To be honest. Maybe I'm not stuck. Maybe I'm just soaking in, processing the first half of the novel. I don't want to be held by the fear though. I want to trust the author and that even though bad things happen, He's still good. He sees us and He loves us, even when the last chapter totally took the wind, heart and soul of the reader and whipped it up into a frenzy.

Like I said, I'm up too late.

Hey, and the card..it wasn't even a Hallmark.

Richard Theis Reynertson, a.k.a. Dad....

2008-04-21T22:15:00.001-05:00

Dad and I sharing our favorite cheese for the last time. Smoked swiss. The expensive kind. We'd take turns surprising one another with it. Caleb loves it, and I told him the other day, the baton has been passed. It's our favorite cheese now, too, along with Bapa.

I miss him so much as the reality seeps in, it is almost too much to take in.

Almost ready..

2008-04-07T15:42:00.000-05:00

I think I'm almost ready to start blogging again. I can tell because I have that funny dialogue thing going in my head again. And then there's the serious, sobering thoughts about life. I'm glad that God doesn't just stick the sobering things in my head without the funny ones. Anyway...blogging again soon. Miss you all and want to catch up on my blogging buddies. It's coming...maybe along with spring...read about Vonda chasing it down with a stick! That is funny...and brought me much joy.

Soon....

Influenza...

2008-03-06T19:54:00.000-06:00

Yep...Dad tested positive. He has 103 fever, is at home with my mom. They are contemplating taking him to Rochester in the a.m. Please pray them through the night. His cough is really nasty as well. Also, strength and protection for my mom, that she doesn't get this. And that God gives her peace in the late night, caring for my Dad.

Time...

2008-03-06T13:38:00.000-06:00

This is one of those days where time stands still for a little while. Much like when you're at a funeral, and the bustling of life just stops. You sit and you ponder what that person meant to you, what he meant to others and you think about your own life. And you think about the changes you want to make, because you know that one day, it will be you in that rectangular box. One day, all the stuff you tried to maintain will be divided off or sold. The stuff doesn't matter.

Your mind goes to the people that you love the most. You think about your children, and you pray that they will "get it". That they will be "alive" with Jesus. The one thing that matters the most is that they will walk with him daily and love him with their whole heart.

My dad came home last night from the hospital only to wake up with another fever. They think he got sick in the hospital. I guess their little town was hit with a nasty wave of influenza. The fear inside of me is being poured out at Jesus' feet for my dad. The prayers of healing, peace and comfort are constant as well as the tears that seem to follow.

I look like a train wreck. Felt heavy all day yesterday and really didn't function well beyond taking care of the necessities. I've been praying that God would do something to encourage my parents and to show himself to us in a very real way. Whenever I've been near hopelessness, God has always done something to encourage me.

He did it today. He sent it in a form of a letter to my parents, from an unbeliever in CA. This woman's parents were cared for by my dad and just a few months ago, my dad spoke at her mother's funeral, despite his own cancer and weakness. This meant so much to this woman, she wrote a two page letter of appreciation and sent a huge check. The check is in the exact amount that they will need for thier future medical expenses.

It arrived today. A day that has been filled with pain, grief, and discouragement. In my mailbox, there was card for my boys from a dear friend who is going through his own difficulties. It touched my heart so much, it felt like a personal hug from God.

Pain is inevitable in this life. This roller coaster of cancer sucks. I want to jump off of it, and take my parents with me. But, that's not God's plan. At least, not at the moment. So, for now, all He promises is to be with us on the ride. And it really is a choice of trust and belief.

Tables were turned this morning, and I prayed with my Dad over the phone for peace, healing and comfort. He has done this for me many, many times over my lifetime. And now, God has given me the honor to pray for this dear sweet saint. In my prayer, I told God that we were going to continue to trust. Through the pain, through the ups and downs...sometimes that choice is with your fingertips. What keeps me hanging on is our Lord's faithfulness. Either I believe it or I don't. It really comes down to that.

So, in this moment of feeling life's finality, pain, and separation from those that we love...God pours out his mercy and grace in a fresh way. Ahead of time, in the form of letters. He knew that this day was going to come and he answered our prayers before we even prayed them. Who else, but God could do that?

He is faithful, we just need to trust Him.

Dad....

2008-03-02T21:57:00.000-06:00

My sweet Dad is back in the hospital. He has a fever and when that happens, he needs to be admitted right away. I'm hoping that it's a side effect from his last round of chemo and not some type of infection.

I have felt heavy all day today. I barely made it to church, was so tempted to stay home in my cave and hide. I'm glad that I went. Our pastor preached his heart out. With his words of the truth he brought me to the great throne of our God. I was reminded of God's justice and that through His justice, He has also provided a way for us to be reconciled. The One who judges, has given us mercy and grace through his very own beloved Son.

I walked into church heavy and walked out with hope once again. God sees us, He loves us and He is in control.

Davester goes on a field trip...

2008-02-28T22:41:00.000-06:00

I accompanied the Davester on a field trip today. The three other little boys in our group were quite busy. David said, "We've got the squirrely ones in our group, Mom. Just please, don't embarrass me by like, you know, getting that sargeant voice on and yelling at them!"

What? Me????? I restrained myself and was maybe even a little bit passive in handling the squirrels of out respect for my son. I kept my eye on them and made sure that they didn't get lost. I held back many times when I wanted to....quietly admonish them. I think David thought I was being too passive because at one point, he bursted out with...

"Hey! My mom used to be a teacher! She knows how to handle kids real well."

I think that did the trick. Squirrels were quiet all the way home.

PMS...

2008-02-26T08:32:00.001-06:00

Now stands for Peri-Menopause Syndrome. It hits approximately 40 million women in the U.S. alone each year. The symptoms? Mini-hot flashes, followed by being really cold, a sassy mouth, short fuse, sassy mouth, short fuse, sassy mouth, short fuse.

The treatment?

Take her out for dinner once a week, run her a long hot bubbly bath and reassure her that you love her anyway. If you really want it to go into remission, research has found that if you take the kids and go somewhere for the weekend and leave her home alone, this one act of kindness, can be a miracle cure. The effects last for at least 18 days. When the next "cycle" hits (youknowhatimean), reapply this technique. Only, add one more day. Keep doing this for the next ten years, until menopause and then everyone.will.be.happy.and.safe.

Dear Mom,

2008-02-24T14:04:00.000-06:00

Dear Mom,
I just want you to be comforted in the fact that my DH (dear husband) has taken up your mantra when it comes to my social behavior. He doesn't say the things that you used to say like, "Sheri, be a lady." "Put your legs together, be a lady." Instead he says....

"Sheri, you can't wear those jeans! Every time you bend over..good grief!"
"Sheri, reign it in." (this is a response to my crass language at times or my sarcasm).
"Sheri, we're not in Braham." (This is where I grew up and everything was perverted, so if I hear a certain word, he'll reassure me they didn't mean it that way. Or if I sound crass, I get reprimanded. That's usually the case.)
"Where did you get that shirt? Don't bend over."
If I snap my gum in church, I get "the look".
If I put too much powdered sugar on my pancakes, I get the comment of "Think that's enough?".

Anyway..I've been in trouble alot lately. Funny thing is, just like when I was 15, it doesn't seem to make a difference. I'm almost 40. And I like.lots.of.powdered.sugar.on.my.pancakes. I've heard, "Reign it in" too much lately. I have been feeling sassy..he's right. I'll work on it. My mouth continues to get me in trouble. No worries, Mom.

Your daughter...still..trying to figure out what it means to be a lady.

Speaking of garbage...

2008-02-20T22:08:00.000-06:00

Why is the kitchen garbage always brimming near the top of the can? Why can it never just stay 1/3 full, even 1/2 full? No! It is always near the top! Then, it spends most of the time out from under the kitchen sink, and it's in.my.way.

Just asking.

Flirting Garbage Men.....

2008-02-13T09:10:00.000-06:00

More cake, please..

2008-02-04T23:36:00.000-06:00

I'm in a hotel in downtown Chicago. We attended DH's 25 year reunion from Moody Bible Institute. I was getting a little antsy and slightly bored when they all stood in a semi-circle and started singing. I told DH if they started with KumbaYah, I was out of there. Now, I love singing, don't get me wrong! But, when the tall man was in front of me, lots of unknown people around me, I started getting a little claustrophobic. So, I started looking around for some entertainment. It didn't take long and I found some. There was a man who was standing really close to the dessert table.

His pants were so very close to the taramusi cake. With each verse of "Great is Thy Faithfulness", he kept getting closer and closer. I couldn't take it! I slowly reached my hand behind this man's fanny to grab the cake before his pants experienced the creamy disaster. Whoo! I made it. Then, just to make sure, I leaned way over to check out his pants. Maybe it was the mom in me. Yes! He was all clean. I happened to look over across the room, and found a kindred spirit. A woman who saw me, and smiled. We shared the joy together. On verse 4 of the old hymn, I excused myself to call the kids.

When I returned...(this is the best part of the whole story)...my husband was talking to the man who's pants had been saved. I decided at that moment to exert my introverted self and to let the man know of his near disaster. I told him how his bum was very close to the fateful cake and how I moved it. I also told him that if he saw me looking at his bum, I was just checking to make sure that the cake wasn't there, afterall, wouldn't he want to know if he had cake on his bum? Then, I looked at his sweet wife who was donning a very stylish (for the 80's) gingham checked jumper with embroidered hearts and buttons, that I wasn't checking her husband out. I think my exact words were, "Hey, just want to confess that I wasn't checking your husband out!" Nervous laugh on her part.

Then, in order to take it down a notch, I looked at this gentleman and asked, "So, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a pastor".

"Oh, really? My dad's a Free Church pastor. What type of church do you pastor?"

"Conservative Baptist".

Smile. (Evil smile, because I think to myself..I cannot.wait.to.blog.about.this.)

I just told a conservative baptist preacher that I wasn't checking out his bum.

I'm alive....

2008-01-30T22:19:00.000-06:00

Hey, thanks for missing me, Katie, Laura. I'm here. Just juggling a lot right now. I miss my blog friends! I'm behind on everyone, but haven't forgotten where I came from. I'll be back. A few details....

Working hard to make lists, schedules, for kids, to help our home run smoother, trying to ramp up Bethany's autism therapy at home, the biggest Latte event of the year on Saturday, Caleb turns 13 tomorrow, and flying out Sun. a.m. for my husband's 25 year reunion at Moody. Yes, you read that right. I married an older man. I'm the younger woman..forever. LOL

And, honestly, it's taken me a couple of weeks to recover from my dad's sermon. I got stuck after part 2. It was too painful to write anymore. Usually writing is therapeutic for me, but not this time.

My dad's numbers are down and he's going for a bone marrow test tomorrow to see how far the cancer has progressed. Working through anxiety and fears and crying out to God for peace as I learn to trust that He's in control.

When people email me, I'm responding in sound bites, short phrases. I kind of just feel like I don't have time. You can probably tell by this post.

I'll be back, I'm trying to take it all to God, do the next thing, and trust.

So, when the cloud lifts, the details of life settle down, I will be back. I miss you guys.

Davester gets sick....

2008-01-22T22:39:00.000-06:00

I've got writer's block.

Not really, I'm just tired. The Davester is on day 11 of a chest cold. He has asthma and when he gets a cold, it is a pretty nasty deal. He sat and read all morning. In the afternoon, he quietly played legos for hours. At 4 p.m. he came bounding up the stairs, wanting, begging to go outside to meet Caleb because he missed him so much. At dinner time, I found myself saying, "David, inside voice." After dinner when he was trying to focus on his homework, but kept interrupting himself with another song, I threatened to send him downstairs to his room to finish his math.

Davester is going back to school tomorrow. Then, maybe, I'll have something to blog about.

Dad Preaching, Part 2

2008-01-16T20:56:00.000-06:00

There's a church on State Street in a small rural town with a billboard that says, "Our Journey". In that church is a congregation of about 450 people who love and adore their pastor of 20 years. They long to see him and hear him after 4 months and 10 days of fighting his new found diagnosis of leukemia. They wonder if he'll ever be back.

On Sunday, Jan. 13 at 8 a.m., this man returns. A might smaller, a lot weaker. But you don't notice those things once he takes the stage. He doesn't run and jump up the three steps to the podium as he once did, instead he walks with confidence and brightness. As he stands behind his new, shiny, clear, plastic podium, you get a glimpse of his diseased body. But once you look into his shiny blue eyes, you see the man you love and have trusted with your spiritual walk for the last 20 years. The glimmer of hope and faith shine brighter with each word that comes out of his mouth.

He's back. And it is this small congregation's own, personal miracle. They hang on to every word, babies aren't taken out, because nobody wants to miss anything. It is a family reunion like no other. As he stands next to the podium, with one hand resting on his Bible, he starts to share his journey with his family.

In the second row sits his wife of almost 50 years, his daughter and his oldest son. Behind and all around them are the people who have labored in prayer with believing faith that their pastor would return. These are the people who have carried them and set them before the throne many times throughout the day and night. And for the next forty minutes, the world stops around them as they listen to the words of a dying man. Their man. Their husband. Their daddy. They cry and grieve and find renewed faith and hope that only God could place in their hearts.

Dad preaching, Part 1

2008-01-15T13:54:00.000-06:00

Thank you to all who have been asking about the weekend. Thought I'd just start blogging, in segments, so I can answer everyone at once. My mind is swirling with so much...so I thought I'd just do it in chunks at a time.

We headed down to my parents home, Friday night about 6 p.m. God spared our whole family from a very tragic accident. It was the strangest weather pattern. It was lightly snowing when we left, and increased as we headed south. All of a sudden, the roads were terrible. We were in the left lane, the roads were covered in black ice, people seemed to be driving either too slow or too fast. While in the left lane, I saw a SUV coming from the opposite side of the freeway headed towards our car. I gripped the handle on my door and cried out, "Jesus!".

My husband is very calm in a crisis, thankfully. He just slowly started to vere to the right lane. Looking back, that wouldn't have even saved us. Here's what happened..

The SUV was from the other side of the freeway, headed north. They lost control, hit the ditch, headed (west) right for us on the freeway. It was going very fast, and then it hit a huge wire fence. We were so close, we heard the crunch. If the fence wouldn't have been there, Randy said it would've hit us right where he and Faith were, going however fast it was going. We looked back in our rearview mirror, we couldn't stop, but there were lots of cars on the other side of the road going in the ditch. I think I shook for about 30 minutes after that. It was so close. And, as we drove south, we didn't see any other fences. Why was that fence right there, at that exact spot? (We think that they were okay because they didn't roll, hopefully their air bags were working.)

Then, about five miles down the road, the snow stopped, and gradually, the roads were perfect. So, we thought that the drivers weren't prepared for what they were headed into. Perfect weather, a little snow, and then icy road conditions and nobody expected that to happen out of nowhere.

Later...in the church service on Sunday, the congregation sang the song, "Blessed be the Name of the Lord". I have a hard time singing the part, "he gives and takes away...". I actually don't sing that part. I believe it, I trust God, but I just can't sing it. I always close my eyes and just pray. On Sunday, when it came to that part, my eyes were closed and I saw the near accident again in my head. This thought came to my mind, "It wasn't your time. I didn't want the accident to happen. I'm in control of it all." And I had this sense of a loving Father watching over me, allowing cancer, allowing my Gracie to only live an hour, allowing my family to be at the church to hear my dad preach. It all comes from Him. He is good, He is faithful no matter what happens. Through the good and the bad. It was such a freeing moment. A moment to remind me to rest in His sovereignty, and to know He is there for all of it. He loves us. He really does. Nothing happens to me outside of His plan. And, deep within, the healing of my dad's cancer grows just a little bit more.

Fear and Anxiety...

2008-01-08T08:26:00.000-06:00

Now that I'm out of the closet....(comments on last post)..thought I'd share a little of what God showed me last night after my last post. I am reading Ed Welch's book, "Running Scared". Before I went to bed, I read a few pages.....just a few, but it was all I needed. I won't explain it like Ed, he's a master communicator. I'll do my best to write what I heard.

The topic is Grace....

"The story of manna is a story that points to "more". More than you imagine. More in a way that will surprise you. Our Father is the God of more grace." (pg. 142)

He goes on to describe what grace is. When I fear something, I am really saying that God isn't going to give me enough grace to get through it. One of my fears is that I'll have another allergic reaction, need an epipen and be home alone with Faith. God doesn't promise that I won't need an epipen again, but he does promise to give me exactly what I need (and what Faith needs) if that should happen again.

I've always wondered what bugs me about when people pray for healing for a loved one, God heals, and then they proclaim that God is so good. Yes..he is..yes..he is to be praised, but what if that loved one dies? Are we still so quick to praise him and say that he is good?

Ed goes on to ask the reader if they're worried about the future (Um...that's a big yes...)...I'll just quote the man....

"You will be given all the grace you need when you need it."

"What form might that grace take? Be careful here. When we try to imagine grace in some future situations, we might still be resting in ourselves. We want specific confirmation that there will be grace, and we want to calm ourselves not by trusting in the Gracious One but in seeing the future. If I am called to drown, I don't know what grace I will receive. Having never had it, I can't imagine it, and since God gives much more than we ask my prediction no doubt would fall far short. It is enough to know that I WILL receive grace. I will know the presence of the Spirit and I will die, or be rescued, in a way that pleases the Lord." (pg. 145)

Again...it's about His kingdom, not mine. And, I have experienced his grace before, but like the Israelites, I forget.

I'd like to quote the infamous Kristin Woodford in closing, "We're all a bunch of dumb sheep."

She's right...we forget.....but God's grace covers us.

Thanks for hanging with me on this...it's a constant struggle and I want to grow and learn and not get stuck and settle for the fear or anxiety. I want to push through it, and come out the other side with a deeper trust, a deeper faith and a deeper love for the One who sustains us.

Back to preaching....

2008-01-07T20:12:00.000-06:00

So my dad is preaching this Sunday...and we're heading down. I'm a little nervous, just because I've been a blogging fool...(I am just being sarcastic)..and have put my heart out there on the church website for my dad's church. It was fine when I was on this side of the computer...now the introvert meets the church. Kind of like that movie, "Meet the Parents"..it's "Meet the Church" time.

Maybe I could wear a wig, strange clothes and sit in the corner. With a box of Puffs on my lap...I might give myself away.

January Blues

2008-01-06T14:16:00.000-06:00

Seems like everyone I meet has them, or feels tired, kind of blah. I feel like if I open my mouth and say anything, you might as well say, "Blah, blah, blah" right after it. The only way I know to get rid of my whining is to have a thankful heart. So, here's my first attempt.

I'm thankful for....
a garage that my children can throw their winter garb on floor
an entry way where sand collects daily
children who have voices and can freely express their emotions
a school that is teaching my children the discipline of homework
an age where I personally, can feel every emotion known to the human existance
baggy shirts that are now in style
people who care about the details of my life
responsibilities because without them, that would mean I was alone

There..done whining.

Blog, Schmog.....

2008-01-02T15:15:00.000-06:00

Ever feel like you've got so much that you want to write about that you just freeze up? That's me.

I'll choose one thing......

Today, after wrestling my two toddlers to Target in the cold, an emergency trip to the bathroom in the middle of our shopping...we finally get through the check out..ready to go. Can't find Bethany's hat. I spent way too much money on her hat because of her sensory issues. She picked one out that had "fuzzy balls" on it. We walked all the way to the customer service desk..they were crabby..no, they didn't have the hat. I had my two in tow, (that's almost poetic), and was headed back into Target to retrace all of our steps (yes, it was noon...lunch time....) and what do I hear?

An elderly lady, bundled up from the cold, waving a hat in the air, "Hat! Is this anybody's hat?" I never thought I'd be so happy to see puffy balls being waved in the air! I ran up to her, gave her a hug and told her she was my special angel today. She said she found it in the parking lot, and was going to walk it to the service desk. She then proceeded to talk to my girls and tell me that she's a great grandma and just made a bunch of similar hats for all her grandchildren.

Thank you, thank you, dear angel in Target. Thank you for making an extra trip, in the cold, for a stranger.

Sometimes it's the "little things" that are encouraging.

Christmas Memories from 2006....

2007-12-23T20:34:00.000-06:00

We have a tradition at our house in how we open the Christmas stockings. On Christmas morning, the little munchkins wake up, get their stocking, and jump in bed with Mom and Dad and open it right away. They don't have to wait for any other siblings to wake up. Our kids love this.

One of my favorite parts is capturing big Daddy on video camera half awake and his hair all messed up. Every year...he looks the same..well, maybe a little less hair. I love it.

Anyway..last year...the Davester awoke extra early. He appeared at our bedside at 1 a.m. with "Merry Christmas!". It's time for Christmas!!!

We now have a tradition with a rule. Nobody up before 6:30 a.m.

Gonzo sings at my house..all.the.time.

2007-12-20T14:31:00.000-06:00

Do you remember Gonzo from the Muppet Show? He would sing in this gravely type voice. Add a touch of "screechy" and you have Bethany's happy sounds. She's home full time this week, no special classes. She goes from screechy sing-song type noises to a half yell, half scream when she's frustrated. She will often go back and forth very quickly from one mood to the next. She's a loud child. And, I crave quiet.

She is also enjoying the art of teasing. So, when her Gonzo voice gets out of hand, I'll ask her to sing in a nice voice. She will look at me, do it again, give me the eyes and smile, "Nice voice". Or she'll yell it, depending on what her mood is. But, I think she knows it bugs me.

In my quest to live intentionally..I've been asking God to help me to have patience and love beyond my own ability. I've asked him to help me see His face when I look into hers. She was, after all, God's idea. I've been telling myself when I hear the Gonzo voice, she's happy..let it go.

Today, she and Gonzo were in full swing. Instead of trying to quiet her down, I looked her in the eyes, and really listened to what she was screeching..I mean singing. It was from the "Doughnut Man" video. It went something like this....

Oh, the love of Jesus.
Oh, the love of Jesus.
Oh, the love of Jesus.
That washes white as snow.

Thank you, Jesus for the gentle reminder, right in the middle of my battle. Your love is enough. Your love washes my impatient sinful heart. Thank you.

Wise words from a 12 year old boy who called into a radio station..priceless.....

2007-12-19T08:48:00.000-06:00

Living Intentionally...

2007-12-18T13:57:00.000-06:00

The Zimmermann's have been living in "survival mode" for the last two years. Pretty much since we got Faith. And what that means to me, is a lack of living intentionally. There is so much going on in our home that there doesn't feel like there's energy to snap out of it. There are things that we always want to do but can't quite muster up the time or energy to get to it.

And, just when it feels as if the chaos will settle, a big event happens that puts us back into "survival mode". Energy put into figuring out how to live with a child who has autism. Emotional energy sucked dry with the waves of grief over a dying parent.

Meanwhile, the clock is ticking. Caleb is going to be 13 at the end of next month, David is 8, Bethany has many needs, and Faith has lots of screams. There's a marriage that needs time, a budget, a spiritual life, a middle aged body that ..well...we won't go there....hearts that need pointing to the cross..and on and on the list goes.

And I wonder...maybe this is it. Maybe this is just the way life is going to be and next year...it could be a wave of another major event..and what is God calling me to? What am I supposed to put my time and energy into? How can I become more like Jesus amidst all the pressures, the people, and the things pulling at me? And am I making it too difficult?

My way out of a jam is to make a list. So, I emailed that to my DH today. I'm not big on new year's resolutions..but maybe it's a time to re-evaluate where we're headed. I am tired of being on the tobaggen out of control. I want to have some sort of a map, a plan. And even if we end up in different destinations than what we expected...that the map shows us what needs to stay constant.

Cricket Drama, Part 2...

2007-12-17T20:55:00.000-06:00

I can't believe I'm blogging about crickets..but this is really kind of cool. Maybe those of you who want to catch your own crickets, can try this at home!

I was cleaning out David's room (a.k.a. The Davester) and he has this bulletin board that sits on the floor. Behind the bulletin board was a few tape rolls of duct tape (we don't ask why). Attached to the duct tape were about 8 dead brown crickets!

This can only lead me to believe that I do not need Mr. Orkin to set traps in my basement any longer! I can make my own duct tape traps for a fraction of the cost!

Duct tape lives on...in yet another household..to serve us faithfully...in yet..another new capacity. Will it never end?

I'm just wondering....

2007-12-17T15:00:00.000-06:00

Ed..this one might be for you. Swampy..I'm thinking you've probably cooked with something like these before..so here goes.

We have brown crickets in our basement. When the Orkin man came out this summer to spray for beetles and boxelders (we had thousands of them swarming on our front door..the guy said he's never seen such a bad case)..I also had him set some traps in the basement for crickets. I didn't want to spray in the house, so these sticky traps were the next best thing. The traps have been out for a few months and it's been fun to see the crickets get themselves attached. The boys love it. Well, I was just picking the traps up and placing them in the garbage when I noticed that on two of the traps, the very large crickets are gone. I know they were dead and stuck. I'm wondering...what is in my basement eating the large, brown, dead crickets? Please don't say mice. Would spiders eat them? (We have lots of those, too.)

FYI....

2007-12-14T21:35:00.000-06:00

If you ever jam your teeny tiny battery in your teeny tiny digital camera, don't call your brother who owns a pawn shop...he won't know what to do. Why? Because he's smart enough to never jam it in the wrong way! What you do is, go to the Stillwater Early Childhood Education Center, to the special ed. room. Those teachers are prepared for anything. They will get out their teeny tiny little tweezers and yank that baby right out in no time flat.

Just for your information.

The Davester....

2007-12-13T09:51:00.000-06:00

David asked me to blog about him again. Here's one of the funniest memories of our sweet boy.

When David was four, we took a family vacation to Colorado Springs to visit some friends. We do this trip every other year with another family. So picture three families worth of kids (8 at that time?) out on a hike in the mountains. We came to a rippling brook and it had tons of rocks in it. Earlier that day, we had just passed a beaver dam and were explaining to the kids how the beavers make the dam, etc. We let the kids play in the brook and David had an idea to make a dam, just like Mr. Beaver. The conversation went something like this:

"Hey guys! Hand me a dam rock! Let's make a dam!"
"Hey..there's a good dam rock...hand me that dam rock!"

Totally innocent...very, very funny because Caleb was the oldest and the only one to realize the humor. Pretty soon, all the kids kept finding more dam rocks and excitedly told one another about their dam rock.

Dam funny.

One more David story...

2007-12-12T15:14:00.000-06:00

Our boy is built like his Daddy (His dad is six foot five). We like the term, stocky. Well, this boy has been growing an awful lot lately. I have just purchased new snow pants, new uniform pants, and three new pairs of footware. He is one of the biggest kids in his second grade class. He has a great attitude about it. He wants to play football someday. Here are a few examples of how he deals with his up and coming size.

"David, we should put your name in your new snow pants."
"Aw, don't worry, Mom. I know which ones are mine. They are the BIG ones!", as he laughs.

"Mom, today we played king of the hill. I was the king pretty much the whole time. When one kid would come up, all I had to do was stick my hand out like this..down they went! I quit being king when all the kids got in a big group and said, "Let's get David!" Then, I just looked around and thought to myself..I'm out of here!"

My personal favorite...this morning he was taking off his old uniform pants that were very tight, and trying on his new pants. As he was taking off the smaller pair he said, "Watch out for the bubble burst, Mom!" "What?" "That's the burst that happens when I take off my tight pants and everything bursts out! Ka Pow!!".

Older brother comments..."Uh, David...please don't say that at school."

This one, I felt bad about. Some little boy said to him, "David, you're fat. No offense." David didn't reply to him, but he told me what he'd like to say.

"Cole, you're so skinny, I don't know how you are ever going to play football. No offense." (sometimes it's hard to stifle the laughter......I'll let his dad coach him on that one.)

No tears here..promise.....

2007-12-12T15:11:00.000-06:00

Lucky Duck! David, our 8 year old, going on 23, declared this morning that he knew where the saying, "Lucky Duck!" came from. It's because ducks get run over all the time by cars, get up and run away and don't get killed! So they are lucky ducks. And when people get in car accidents and they don't get killed, well then, that's when you say, "Lucky Duck!".

Thanks, David.

Sam's Club...

2007-12-11T20:46:00.000-06:00

I was Christmas shopping in Sam's club today. I was actually looking for a sweater for my dad because he is always cold. I just had Faith with me. All of a sudden she blurts out, "Bapa! Bapa!". I looked and there was an older man who looked very similar to my dad. The man smiled at her and then kept shopping. I kind of noticed him, and he was shopping with his daughter. She had long brown, curly hair, and brown glasses. She looked like she was in college. They were quipping back and forth, as she was looking for a present for him. He kept saying he didn't like any of it. They both laughed and she said, "Daaaaaad." I had a flood of memories about shopping with my dad.

I turned to leave, and then I found myself turning the cart around and approaching this man with tears in my eyes. It went something like this.

"Excuse, me. I couldn't help noticing that you were shopping with your daughter. I can tell you have a special relationship. It reminds me of my dad and I. I was actually shopping for his Christmas present. (He's nodding, yes through this whole thing. I kept going....) My dad actually was just diagnosed with cancer. I just want you to know that you dads are so very important to us daughters."

As he was rubbing Faith's little head, he looked at me and said, "And you daughters are very special to us dads."

I smiled, turned away and went down the cleaning isle to gather myself. Faith just kept saying, "Mama cry...Mama cry" while she rubbed my arm.

I don't know what that was all about. The man had such a warmness about him, I wondered if he was a Christian.

I called my dad while I was still shopping in the store. I just needed to hear his voice. I told him the story and he said, "So you want me to go shopping with you?" I started laughing and said no....that's so my dad.

I've never quite been able to hide my emotions. I hope somehow it encouraged this man and this daughter to cherish their time together.

Sweet Glimpses....

2007-12-08T19:45:00.000-06:00

Picture this...a diner of sorts, set in a small town square, off to the side. High ceilings with copper squares, an old fashioned soda fountain across from the wooden bar, green vinyl stools lined up since the 50's. Old men playing dice in the table by the window. Pancakes for two dollars and coffee in thick handled mugs.

The diner is called, "Edies". In the twenty years that my parents have lived in Fairmont, they often spend Saturday morning breakfasts greeting local townspeople, joking with the waitresses and getting to know their stories. Grandchildren love to go there with them as they order the giant pancakes. When the kids reach the age of 12 or so, my mom takes them there and presents with their own personal prayer journal. She describes the God whom she loves with the hopes of spreading the vision and passion to the next generation.

Jump to Sat., Dec. 8th at 8:30 a.m. I called my mom, and I heard lots of activity in the backround. Yes, dear ones, they were once again back at Edie's on a Saturday morning. It's been over three months...but, in God's great mercy, he saw fit to extend just enough health to a faithful servant to enjoy a twenty year old tradition. No masks, no IV carts, no hospital gowns or a team of doctors swarming. An ordinary acitivity to most....but an act of God to those who love them.

And somehow, life is just a little bit sweeter.

Christmas cards...

2007-12-08T19:35:00.000-06:00

Okay...so I keep trying to construct the annual "Christmas letter" in my head. All I can come up with are sad, depressing details of the last year. March, got the big "D" (diagnosis) and autism officially entered our home. September..Dad got the big "D"...then I think..we'll just do the picture. And it all wears me out just thinking of it. I need permission to take the year off. Not because I'm ungrateful, not because I don't have hope in the One...but because I'm just weary.

Can you say pathetic?????

Confession...

2007-12-05T08:57:00.000-06:00

I cried at the movie, "Bicentennial Man". A robot dies in the end, holding the hand of his human wife and I cried.

What silly things have you cried at lately? Come on, make me feel better, would ya?

He's back...

2007-12-03T13:17:00.000-06:00

So my dad is a little ball of energy, and fire. He is high on the "I" (Meyers Briggs), but you'd never know it to meet him. My mom described this picture to me, and it warms my heart so much, thought I'd share it.

My dad went to both services yesterday at their church. He got up to give a brief update on his health. This is the first time that he's been back in church since Labor Day. In the first service, he ran up the platform, like he always does. But this time, when he reached the pulpit, he was out of breath. Mom said it took him a few minutes to catch his breath and then he said to the congregation, "Guess I can't do that anymore." And then he laughed.

There were lots of tears and hugs as the congregation greeted thier pastor of 20 years. Most people expressed that they never thought they'd see him in church again. They feel as if they've been given a miracle. And, I would agree.

Dad said the most meaningful part of the day for him were all the children. They all love him, he's a fun guy to be around and he's like a kid magnet. One little girl in particular wrote him a card in the hospital and said that she missed rubbing his coat. They weren't sure what that meant.

Yesterday, this little six year old girl came running across the sanctuary and into my dad's arms. As he held her, she whispered in his ear, "Can I rub your coat?" And dad felt this little hand rubbing his suit coat. And it dawned on him, each Sunday when she would give him a hug, she would always rub the shoulder of his coat.

When I think of this picture, I can't help but think one day when we go home and we finally see Jesus, it will be a reunion of all reunions. I want to love him like a child loves her Pastor and I want to know him so well that when I hug my savior, I too, will have a "rub your coat" familiarity.

Best friends...

2007-12-02T22:45:00.001-06:00

So, I'm feeling "foggy" again (my word for struggling with depressive like tendencies). I was on the phone with one of my best friends, sitting in my truck, right before I was to go into the church today for Latte's big event of the year. As I sat there...she was trying to cheer me up....and we started laughing at a previous conversation a few months back when I was having another foggy day. It went something like this.

BF (best friend) "Hey, Christmas is coming....that's happy."

Me, "No it's not..tears start to stream...Christmas is really sad...Jesus had to come to this crummy earth as an innocent little baby and then he suffered and died all because I am a wretched sinner. It's all my fault." (tears still streaming)

BF, "Huh...I guess the angels had it wrong then."

Oh...we were craffing (laughing/crying). You know what I love about best friends? They just love you right where you are....no speeches...just total unconditional love.

Thanks, BF for the craffing today in the truck. Hoping this fog lifts in the morning.

French Fries

2007-11-30T13:42:00.000-06:00

I want the old french fries back. The ones with the bad fat. I don't eat them very often, but when I do, I don't want the taste of wax in my mouth! Can't we decide if we want to eat the bad fat?

Thanksgiving Reflections...

2007-11-30T13:35:00.000-06:00

I haven't been in the mood to blog since Thanksgiving....been quietly contemplating the changes in our family since my dad was diagnosed with leukemia. At our family gatherings, he is usually the center of fun. Playing with the grandkids, teasing, joking, saying something super positive that just bugs the melancholy in me, but loving it still the same.

This year, my dad was quiet, weak and frail. He took my grandpa's spot in the corner lounge chair and dozed while we all bustled around him. He sat and watched the kids play the tv games...just to be near them.

We sat around the table like always, to say what we were thankful for. It was different this year. We all said what we were thankful for about my dad. He was visibly humbled and emotional. My 16 year old nephews had to hide their head in their arms because they were crying so hard. We did a lot of "craffing". That's where you're crying and then you start laughing. After 23 of us shared, it came down to my dad. He broke the ice, and for a moment, the twinkle was back in his eyes and he said, "I feel like I'm dead already!". More craffing.

He told us, if we only remembered two things......be a student of the Word and prayer. The words of a dying man. Read my Bible and cry out to God. Life boiled down to the important things.

I love you, Dad.

Clean Queen...

2007-11-23T20:53:00.000-06:00

So, my two year old, Faith, is quite the Clean Queen. She loves to use the vacuum that her auntie bought for her. She is constantly wiping her place off at the table, or claiming that her cup is "sticky sticky" (every phrase is in two's). Well, tonight, my little Clean Queen shocked the pants off me, you might say.

The girls and I were in the bathroom and Bethany was standing on a stool while I trimmed her nails over the sink. All of a sudden, I felt this little soft rubbing motion on my bum.

It so happens that the Clean Queen had grabbed a wad of toilet paper and was helping her Mama out. I think I'll live with her when I'm old.

Thanksgiving 2007...

2007-11-21T19:48:00.000-06:00

Today my sweet Bethany used the pronoun "I" in a sentence for the first time. She is delayed in language and speaking of herself is a new concept. I asked her to go potty and she said, "Maaaaaoooummmmmm......I already did that." Hands in the air for emphasis. The cool part, Caleb was there to see it. We both looked at each other in astonishment.

Second milestone of the day: She tucked Faith (our 2 year old) into her big bed and I heard these words as she closed the door, "Goodnight, Honey." Pretend play....it's coming.

Since we heard about the big "D" in March, (diagnosis of autism), I've lamented to God about our little girl and wondered, prayed, petitioned for things like, will she ever play? Will she get go to college, will she get a job, get married, have children? I still don't know the answers to all of those questions. But for now, I am so thankful and celebrate our two milestones today.

Oh, my goodness...

2007-11-20T07:23:00.001-06:00

Friends....if you've ever wondered how to experience the power of God in your every day life...listen to www.celebrationcommunitychurch.com and choose Nov. 18th sermon by Pastor Gregg Heinsch. I listened to it yesterday and it reminded me so much of what he taught me during the season in my life when I was grieving for our daughter. Hope is dripping all over the place in this sermon....deep, abounding hope and love. Listen!!!

Simplicity...

2007-11-19T13:36:00.000-06:00

My family surprised me with a birthday present Saturday night when I got home from Rochester. My husband said after I opened it, I did the girly squeal/scream thing. I didn't even know that it came out of my mouth. Here's what I opened...a hot pink FINEPIX Z, small, pocket-sized digital camera! I've been wanting a small one that I can throw in my diaper bag and take with me everywhere! Here's the best part..when my husband looked online for reiviews, the only complaint was..."It's too simple." Perfect! I love simple.

II Chronicles 16:9

2007-11-17T20:27:00.000-06:00

"For the eyes of the Lord range througout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him."

Here is a story of God's gentle love and grace. First a little backround..my mom just started putting gas in her own car. My dad has taken such good care of her. She went through a drive through car wash a couple of weeks ago for the first time. My dad sat in the passenger seat to coach her through it. It would seem that God is gently preparing my mom in the smallest of details, to be independent.

Today, my mom and I left the hospital parking ramp to go and eat lunch. As we pulled onto the street, we heard a scraping noise. I jumped out of the van and the passenger rear tire was flatter than flat. Metal on the street. She didn't know what to do, we didn't even know where the spare tire was at! I called my AAA (Triple A) number and because I was with her, they came out to change her tire for free! They were there within 15 minutes. We then proceeded to the Honda dealer where they patched the tire (had some huge metal thing lodged into it).

While we waited for the tired to get fixed, my mom called and signed up for AAA for her and dad. It was only $74.95 for the two of them per year...and the tire fix would've cost $50. (Randy also loves it for the hotel discounts..AND...if you lock yourself out of the car, or the person that you're with does..they will come and get it open for free....shameless commercial). While my mom was on the phone the AAA lady asked if she was a widow or divorced. My sweet exhausted mom blurted out that she was probably going to be a widow soon..and then the tears and horrible reality that she is facing smacked her in the face.

Today was more than just a flat tire. My dad was back in the hospital, nauteous because he couldn't take care of my mom, and I'm sure he was thinking about her future alone. My mom was sickened and sad at the thought of being alone. They have sacrifically loved each other for over 50 years.

Here's the cool part. God allowed me to be there. I walked beside her, we took out the stupid car manual to see where the spare tire was. I was able to call Dad and assure him that all was well. We did it together. We were so thankful that it wasn't 9 o'clock at night, when she would've been alone on the highway returning to my brother's house.

Some people might think that this just happened by chance. I don't believe it for a second. I know that God, my father, knows my mom's most inmost being. He knows what she needs and He gently loved her today through a flat tire.

Lasagna

2007-11-16T15:12:00.000-06:00

You won't believe it..it has literally taken me two days to make lasagna. Well, three if you count the day that I couldn't make it past getting the cans out of the cupboard (that perimenopausal day and no I don't feel like figuring out the link button thing)...anyway...so I made the homemade sauce yesterday and after it was simmering, scorched the first pan, and into the second heavier one, I realized it had to simmer for 45 minutes, then assemble, then cook for two hours. I wasn't going to make it in time for dinner. Threw it in the fridge.

Day two (or three depending on how you look at it). It has taken me an hour and a half to cook the noodles, mix the cheese thing, slice the mozz., realized that I added the oregano and parsley to the red sauce instead of the white cheesy stuff...laugh..oh well...finally, get it all together. Can't think straight on what to layer where, so write it out in vertical fashion in my cookbook...Oh, and I made two pans, one to give away or throw in the freezer. Put the parchment paper on first (so the cheese doesn't stick), throw on the aluminim foil. Done!

Look in the sink and find 6 noodles in my drainer. My lasagnas are both light on the noodles..I missed the whole stinkin layer.

I think I'm going to go for easier fare from now on. Can't wait until this fuzziness goes away! Think I should be driving?

Fitness advice....

2007-11-15T14:22:00.000-06:00

Okay..this is for all of you who have an opinion...there..that should narrow it down nicely (evil laugh...)

I need to lose 20lbs. I will turn 40 next year..and no, I'm not telling you my nickname. I want to be fit by this time next year. Here's what's in my basement for equipment. I have enough hand weights (up to 50 lbs.), a workbench, a NordicTrack, a mini-trampoline, and a stationery bike. The NT hurts my knees..and I was thinking of getting rid of it. Oh..and I have a Kettle Bell, that I'd really like to use.

Trainer Pat....maybe RZ could give you a bonus if you came up with a workout plan for this middle aged, tired mama.

Then, there's the whole eating thing...it needs to be a simple plan. Anyway..help. I'm sinking into a body that I don't like. I think they call it middle age. I think I'll just go eat the last piece of my birthday cake while you all ponder...

November 12, 2007

2007-11-12T22:38:00.001-06:00

Three posts in one day...good grief.

I am finding myself not wanting to go to bed. In an hour and a half, November 12th, 2007 will be over. It may be just a day on your calendar, but it's my dad's 69th birthday today. I don't know if he will be here with me or with Jesus on November 12, 2008.

39 years ago ...my mom had a 30th birthday party for my dad. She went into labor the very next day and I was born. November 13, 1968. When the nurse came out into the waiting room, only two hours after my mom was admitted, my dad didn't believe that she had the right father. He told her she had the wrong man, because HIS wife is usually in labor for hours. I've never had much patience. It was me. My dad named me..and chose the spelling of my name...I never did find any stickers or mugs with my name spelled with one r and an i. I don't care. My mom wanted to name me Julie. After three boys and two miscarriages..they were pretty happy to have a healthy baby girl. I never once doubted their love for me.

My dad and I have always celebrated our birthdays together.

Dad...I'm going to need you when I turn 40 next year. This year is our "9"s...let's do the next decade together.

I love you.
(I'm not typing your nickname for me....too embarrassing....that's our secret.)

Nuke'em...

2007-11-12T20:48:00.000-06:00

A special friend of mine taught me this trick this summer. It makes me so happy and it is so quick. Try it!

Rice Krispie Bars..in the microwave.
Get a huge plastic bowl from the dollar store. (Not bigger than your microwave.)
Place 1/4 C butter in the bowl. Nuke for 30 seconds.
Swish the melted butter all around the bowl.
Dump in a whole bag of marshmellows (not the cheap Walmart brand..uck.)
Nuke for 3 minutes on power 8. They will be all fluffy.
Spray your spatula with Butter Spray (Pam) and whip the marshmellows up with the butter.
Dump in 6 C of Rice Krispies. Stir.
Pour in a pan (that was sprayed).
Done!
In four minutes...you have a great snack for the kids...quick dessert for whatever. I've eaten two whole rows already...big deal..it's cereal.
Enjoy!

Comic Relief....

2007-11-12T19:31:00.000-06:00

My two year old dug out the safety latch that was under the kitchen sink, yep...you guessed it. Right next to all the cleaners...and latched the two cabinet doors together. I told her thank you. Now she will be safe.

(I gave up on the latches about 6 months ago, because she is a Gizmo and figures out seatbelts, buttons, latches, etc.)

Thanks for the laugh, today, Faith!

Time....

2007-11-11T19:48:00.001-06:00

I had a gift today...time with my dad and mom alone. We didn't really talk about much today. We were all kind of tired, sad, discouraged. My dad's fevers just keep coming and they really wipe him out. His right hand is numb from the chemo.

One thing I love about my dad, is his hands. They symbolize a gentle strength from my childhood to me. Those hands held mine when I was scared, they kept me safe while walking down the street, they held the reigns on the horse that bucked me off and Dad made me get right back on, they held my bike when I was learning to ride, they were there the day he took out the secret fifty dollar bill in the back of his wallet and he paid for an extra special prom dress...they walked me down the isle, they held my hands when I was 16 and I was baptized, they held all of my babies, they dedicated my special baby Grace in the hospital, they held my hand when I was scared after I was diagnosed with crohn's, they held my hand at my daughter's funeral, they touched the casket as he prayed over our babygirl and I was scared to leave her there in the ground, they have gently led our family through many trials..they've led singing at old fashioned tent meetings, and they've pounded the pulpit more times than I could count..... I could go on and on.

Today I did something special to those hands. I trimmed my dad's fingernails and toenails. I remember my dad doing that for me.

What an honor and a privilege to do something so seemingly insignificant...but with so much love.

I love you, Dad.

I've got it.....

2007-11-10T21:51:00.000-06:00

Brilliant idea...if I was a woman of means..here's what I would do. I'd hire a life coach for myself. Think of it..somebody to tell me how to do it "all". I'm lacking a schedule for exercise, healthy eating, need to know how to lose 20 lbs., how to organize my digital pictures and find time to scrapbook, spend indiviual time with my four children, love my husband the way that I should, manage the household budget (I was way over this month), find a way to go Christmas shopping, bake, time to do Latte (lots of dreams, but little time), invest in friendships, be a support for my parents, get a system that I feel good about in the area of devotions/prayer. I'd love it if at the end of the day, I could crawl into bed and breathe a prayer of thanks to God because I felt like I did my best. I wasn't surviving, I had lived the day purposeful. I had a plan to accomplish what my family needed, what God needed from me and also had a little time to myself. Isn't this what we're all trying to accomplish? And how many of us end the day in guilt over what we didn't do? I'm thinking that this type of lifestyle wasn't what God had in mind for us. He wants us to have life and have it abundantly. But, in practical terms...what does that look like?

Is this what it feels like?

2007-11-10T15:00:00.000-06:00

In my perimenopausal state..I have one day a month where some hormone is totally whacked and I am in such a funk. Today is it. I have a hard time focusing on anything, my body literally feels heavy. I start something only to stop in the middle and start something else..or go to my email account for the 500th time, looking for what? Every little task feels like climbing a mountain, so nothing gets completed and I feel like I'm failing at every role that God would have for me. All I really want to do is crawl into my bed and wait until the day is over. Then I always think this thought...if this is what depression feels like day after day...wow...what a terrible feeling. I guess I'm thankful that it is only one day. I try not to make any major decisions or declarations to my family on this day. I have nothing good to say. When I go to church tonight to sell Latte tickets and people say..how are you? What do I tell them? Hmmmm..think I'll use my therapist friend's line and say, Fine! (which stands for fragile, insecure, neurotic and emotional..which wouldn't be a lie.) Looking forward to tomorrow and praying for my friends who struggle with this daily.

Here we go again...

2007-11-09T21:11:00.000-06:00

Dad's back in the hospital with a fever of 101.6. I'm keeping the FCC blog updated....my dad's birthday is Monday. I need help with ideas for a gift. He suggested we give money towards a new pulpit at church. I can't do it. Feels too much like a memorial. He doesn't NEED anything...but I'm trying to think of something comforting, hopeful, thoughtful..and I don't have a lot of time. Any ideas?